Intimacy matters a whole lot more in a marriage than people give it credit for. Find out how you can get your sensual groove back with these tips.
There are multiple reasons why many married couples wind up not
having sex for long periods of time. Whether it is for weeks, months or
years on end, there is no denying that not having sex takes a negative
toll on both parties’ mental and physical health.
I will not pretend to be an expert on why partners fall into sexless
ruts. However, after speaking to several married couples, I have come to
the conclusion that there are many reasons why this tends to happen.
Illness, physical problems, external stresses like work and finances,
not having time, being bored, focusing on kids and running the
household, not being turned on by your partner and so on all play a part
in marriages being sexless.
According to a piece
that appeared on The Wall Street Journal website, “When sex therapists
talk about a nonsexual marriage, they mean a couple having sex fewer
than 10 times a year.”
If you are in a committed relationship, and are only getting laid
less than a dozen times a year, you are undoubtedly in a sexual rut. It
is not okay to neglect sex in a marriage, regardless of how long you
have been together or how busy you are. As bad as this seems, a sexless
marriage is a glaring indication of a dying or dead marriage. You have
to speak to your partner about this and make some much needed changes if
you want to improve your overall life.
How to turn your sexless marriage around
If you do not know what to do or where to start, here are 7 possible
options for you to try out. Keep in mind that several of the ideas are
really out there, but when push comes to shove, there is no harm in
giving extreme methods a go.
#1 Speak to your partner. Broaching the topic of
having more sex is not an easy one but you have to build up the courage
to do so. Do not treat it like a taboo. You are inundated with sex
everywhere you look. From billboards to music videos to magazine ads,
sex is prevalent in our culture. Even so, you are not the first person
to say that it is difficult to discuss sex with your partner.
You can give it a gentle yet honest go by starting with, “You know
how much I love you but there is something we need to discuss.” Once
you get over the initial hurdle of broaching the topic, the words, and
hopefully actions, will flow easier.
#2 Go for therapy. If you have spoken to your
partner about this and still see no change, then it is time to bust out
the big guns. There is no shame in getting help from a third party, and
in this case, it is speaking to a professional sex therapist.
He or she will be very familiar with the problem you are facing, and
can offer a safe and private outlet from which to express emotions and
get back on the road to a healthy sex life. From sex talk to games and
little projects that you can work on together, a sex therapist will be
able to help a lot more than if you guys were to sit at home and stew
over it alone.
#3 Resolve to look great. Looking and feeling great
is a big factor when it comes to how active your sex life can be. When
you are out of shape and do not feel sexy, your libido significantly
falls and you are not very compelled to get it on. Your embarrassment at
being unattractive and not fit enough for a romp can be quashed if you
just do something about it.
The healthier and fitter you are, the more likely you will feel and
act like the Energizer bunny in bed. Not just that, when you drop a few
pounds and tone up the jiggly bits, your confidence level will skyrocket
and you will be raring to go.
Eat right and squeeze in 30-minute exercise sessions several times a
week. Whether it is turning on an exercise video and working out in your
living room or going for a quick jog, you have no excuse to not look
and feel sexy. All it takes is a minuscule bit of effort, and you will
be looking and acting like teens in no time.
#4 Have date nights. Another way to reintroduce sex
into your marriage is to start going on dates again. Perhaps one of the
reasons why the sex has fizzled out is because there is a lack of
intimacy between you two. Work, kids, everyday nuances and so on are
responsible for taking time away from your partner. It is not okay to
neglect the most important relationship that you have, so make an effort
to rejuvenate your intimacy by treating yourselves to time away from
reality.
Whether it is going for a movie together, having a fancy dinner or
just heading out for a quick frozen yogurt treat, make the effort to
spend time and experience things together. Hold hands, talk about your
day and work on the connection that you once had with your spouse.
#5 Give each other permission to fantasize. If the
aforementioned tips fail, try resorting to fantasizing about others in
bed. Many couples and psychologists will argue that this will do more
harm than good, and is categorized as a form of cheating. However at the
end of the day, if both parties consent and if it can help reignite
your sex life, then why not give it a shot?
If you find it hard to get turned on by each other, then why not
imagine doing the deed with someone else whilst in bed with your spouse?
If you are hesitant, simply look at this method as a form of role play.
After a couple of times, you will start feeling more comfortable making
love again, and you can hopefully go back to getting turned on by each
other.
#6 Invite a third party in. Perhaps the reason you
have a sexless marriage is because you are both bored with the way
things are. Short of indulging in extra martial affairs, why not invite a
third party into your bed? As unconventional as this may seem, more
people are jumping on this bandwagon.
Having a threesome is a great way to spice up your sexless marriage,
and it will give you the chance to live out a fantasy that many people
are too shy to try. Whether you end up hiring a classy professional
escort, convincing a friend to lend a hand or meeting an open minded
individual on a dating site, try this method out for size, if both of
you are comfortable doing so.
#7 Open marriage. Last but not least is the option
to turn your monogamous marriage into an open one. Simply put, an open
marriage means that both parties consent to their partner having sexual
relations with other people. If you can rein in your jealousy, the great
thing about this is that you get to make up your own rules. You can
make it clear than you are both not allowed to sleep with friends, can
only do it once a month, can never bring a sexual partner home, and so
on.
An open marriage will give both of you the chance to sexually explore
with other people, yet keep the emotional bond of being husband and
wife intact. The idea of being in an open marriage is slowly but surely
gaining popularity. Even Hollywood superstar Will Smith and his wife are
said to be in an open marriage.
We are all human and have a primal need to have sex. The last thing
we should be doing is depriving our bodies and minds of something as
natural as making love. As unpleasant as it is, you have to grab the
bull by the horns, if you are in a sexless marriage.
Not being physically touched and pleasured by your spouse
will do you more harm than good, as it will negatively affect your mood
and self esteem. So do not wait another second and do whatever you can
to get jiggy with your spouse again.
