Stopping yourself from falling for the wrong person is easier than mending a broken heart. These deep questions will tell you who they really are.
There is nothing more spectacular than falling in love. The problem
is, while we are falling in love, there are often red flags that we
ignore. Wanting a relationship to work, we neglect those things that are
sure to be a deal breaker for a happily ever after.
Before you fall too deeply in love, it is important to know some
things about your mate. They may not seem like a big deal during the
honeymoon phase, but they could be the cause of your relationship’s
demise later on. Asking someone these deep questions early on can save
you from big heartache later.
30 deep questions to ask someone you want to date
These questions will provide you with serious, thoughtful insight
into your partner’s innerworkings, and will go a long way in determining
if you are made for each other… or doomed to fail.
#1 How many children do you want? The question of
children is a critical one that most people don’t discuss early enough.
Thinking they may scare their mate off, or are being pushy, they don’t
ask this question, but it often ends up being a dealbreaker down the
road. There may not be that great a difference between one and two, but
there is between six and none!
#2 Do you think stereotyping is a good thing? Some
people see stereotypes as a useful tool to navigate the world, while
others believe they are limiting. People who are okay with stereotypes
are fundamentally different from those who think they are bad. Knowing
where you stand on the spectrum, as opposed to the person you are with,
is imperative for harmony in the future.
#3 Do you have any prejudices? If someone is very
prejudiced, it can alter the way you look at them. We often keep our
harder beliefs hidden until later in the relationship. Putting it all
out there is important, because you want to know how someone feels up
front, so it isn’t a surprise or a deal breaker once you have fallen in
love.
#4 Do you think men and women are equal? If you are
someone who believes a girl can do anything a guy can do, while she is
more of a “guys are protectors and women should stay at home” kind of
gal, there are going to be problems in the future. Having similar ideas
about gender responsibilities and limitations are important to determine
roles as you become a couple.
#5 Where is a woman’s place? You want to stay home,
but he wants you to work. See how that can cause a problem? If you are a
working girl now but want to stay at home with the kids, that is
important to discuss before you are knee-deep in a mortgage and a
growing family.
#6 Which is more important: family or money? Does
she believe in sacrificing family time to be more financially secure, or
does she think that money can’t buy happiness? What are you both
willing to do without—time or money? Worker bees and leisure-seeking
individuals often do not meld well.
#7 What type of relationship did you have with your parents? Did
they get along with their parents? The apple usually does not fall far
from the tree. Finding out if he got along with his parents will tell
you what type of family life he had, and whether it was open and loving
or critical and challenging. That is important, because history has a
tendency to repeat itself. If his parents were harsh and overly
critical, it is more likely that he will unconsciously follow suit when
he has children.
#8 If you could go anywhere, where would it be? Is
he an adventurer or a history buff? If you like to climb mountains and
he would rather grab a good book on the beach, that could cause problems
in your future. It isn’t that opposites don’t attract, but if you have
nothing in common but being fun to look at, it will make for a
challenging union.
#9 Is an expensive car necessary to you? This
question will tell you what they value. An expensive car is usually
something people get to show off to others. If you are someone who
drives a late-model Monte Carlo not because you have to, but because you
don’t care, then you probably don’t value appearances as much as he
does. Having different mindsets about the importance of what you show to
the world can cause real difficulties about spending habits.
#10 If I loved something, would you support me—no matter what? What
if you wanted to go on a sabbatical to Africa to help underprivileged
children? Would they be willing to let you go, and support you in your
dreams? Likewise, if you wanted to become a porn star, would they be
okay with it and back you up? It is important to know where they stand
on fostering your dreams and if they will provide you with unconditional
love and support.
#11 If your parents didn’t like me, would you stick up for me? In-laws
can be a very positive or destructive force in a relationship. They may
like you now, but if something happened to change the dynamics, who
would your spouse back? To be a couple, you have to promise to have your
spouse’s back, even when it means standing up to your parents.
#12 Do you often feel lonely? If someone is lonely,
they are more likely to want a closer relationship where you do
everything together. If you are more of an independent soul, that could
leave one person always feeling isolated and sad. That will eventually
lead to problems.
#13 If I asked you to do something you weren’t comfortable with, would you do it? There
are times in a relationship when someone may want or need something
from you that may be uncomfortable for you. Ideally, you want someone
who is willing to stand up for themselves and what they want, but you
have to know to what extent. If they always put you first, it can lead
to losing respect for them. If they always put themselves first, it can
make you feel less loved. It is important to know where they stand on
this issue and what their beliefs are with regard to what you should do
for your partner in a relationship.
#14 Who is more important—you or the person you love? Do
they put the person they love before themselves, or do they believe
their needs go first? The way that they answer may give you a clue about
what is truly inside.
#15 Do you care how many people I have slept with? Are
they a jealous person? Every time you see an old love, are they going
to make an issue of it, or use it to belittle you, or make you feel
poorly? If they don’t care, maybe you want them to a little. Figure out
which end of the spectrum they fall on.
#16 What is the worst thing anyone can say to or about you? What
is it that defines a bad person for them? If they think the worst thing
anyone can think of them is that they are selfish, you are likely to
have found someone who puts others first. If they don’t want someone to
think they are poor, you probably have someone who is worried about
appearances. Who do they want to be?
#17 Are children better seen and not heard? How do
they view children? Do they want to parent as a team, or is it couple
first, children second? Neither is right, but it is important to know
how they view children in a relationship and what place kids will hold.
#18 What behavior is a deal breaker? Do they believe
that behavior like bullying or crying are deal breakers? If smoking is a
no-no, you should know that before you admit that you smoke when you
drink. You can’t hide it forever, nor do you want to, whatever the
behavior is.
#19 How many times a week do you think married people should have sex? What are their expectations about what a healthy sexual relationship
is? Most people think sex should happen all the time in the beginning.
Then, when children come along, romance and sex take a backseat. It is
important to know how much they value sex in a relationship over the
long term.
#20 How adventurous are you in the bedroom? If you
think that the key to a healthy sex life is trying new things, then it
is critical to know whether someone is willing to be open and share new
sexual experiences with you, or if missionary is all that they are
interested in trying.
#21 You have an extra $1000—what do you do with it? Would
they spend it on you or them? Would they save it or spend it? This
question will tell you if they are generous or stingy with their money.
#22 Would you go to a movie by yourself? How
comfortable are they with themselves and being alone? People who are
okay being by themselves are more comfortable in their skin and don’t
need someone to make them happy. They want to have someone to make their
life more meaningful, rather than fulfill a need.
#23 Do you like talking about politics? How open are
they to different opinions? Do they judge people for what they believe?
Often, someone who doesn’t want to engage in a touchy subject either
gets too upset by conflict, or worries it will alter the way that they
view you. It is important to be on the same political wavelength, but
opinions change. Are they open to new ideas and discussing uncomfortable
things?
#24 Did you hate any children growing up and why did you hate them? Were
they the bully or the object of bullying? The playground is where we
decide what behavior is acceptable, and what is not. What is
unacceptable behavior to them?
#25 Has someone ever broken your heart? Are you
going to be dealing with someone else’s baggage? If someone broke their
heart, they are likely to have residual trust issues that will pop up in
the future. It is important to find out if they have been let down, and
how, so you know if they are likely to guard their heart.
#26 When do you think it is appropriate for a guy to cry? Is
he a “guy’s guy,” or does she think crying is weak? This question tells
you whether you can be yourself around someone and be as sensitive as
you want to be. How much can you let your guard down and be who you are?
#27 Are your parents proud of you? Are they
constantly feeling not good enough, or as if they let people down?
Someone who is confident in their accomplishments will say that they
have parents who are proud of them. It will also tell you how they were
treated growing up, and if their parents fostered their emotional
well-being.
#28 What do you want people to say and remember about you when you die? What is it that they value in human beings and hold as the epitome of what is important in a lifetime?
#29 How long do you think you are going to live? How
optimistic are they about their life? If they believe they are going to
die young, question them about why they have such low hopes for a long,
happy future. Are they fatalistic, pessimistic, or even a
hypochondriac?
#30 What makes your best friend your best friend? What
are the qualities they think make someone a good friend, and what is it
about their best friend that allows them to take that important role?
These deep questions are sometimes hard to ask, because we
don’t really want to know the answers. If you are falling in love with
someone, it is better to find out that they aren’t what you believed
they were at the start, than to be blindsided in the end.
