Actually, dancing can help us to refine our bodies in ways that have a direct effect on our sexual performance. Dancing requires us to develop increased flexibility especially in our hips and pelvic region; it also develops core muscle strength and helps us to regulate our breathing.
“I would believe only in a God that knows how to Dance.”
When I was a teenager my high school guidance counsellor – roughly echoing the words of George Bernard Shaw - warned me that, “Dancing is a vertical expression of a horizontal desire”. My high school guidance counsellor, I am sorry to report, looked as if he hadn‟t shared a meaningful connection with anyone (vertically or horizontally) for a very long time, but I have to admit that he had a point. There certainly seems to be a genuine and powerful connection between dance and sex. We all have an intuitive sense that this is true. For instance, both of these sensual activities have historically been used to reach ecstatic states and connect more deeply to spirit, and both of them mirror the divine play of masculine and feminine energies which keep our universe in balance. Also, they‟re both sexy and inherently pleasurable. In this article I will explore five key similarities between dancing and lovemaking. Here‟s hoping that the clarity I provide can infuse your time together with fresh inspiration and passion (be it vertical, horizontal, or diagonal).
#1: Sexual Polarity
When it comes to sexuality, human beings are a bit like magnets. In order for a human connection to become sexually sexual polarity needs to be created (one person needs to possess a strong feminine essence and the other a strong masculine essence). In practice this tends to be quite a fluid process, which is more about energy than gender. In order for this sexual polarity – and the resulting sexual attraction - to occur, there needs to be one partner to lead and one to follow, one to penetrate the depths with their worship and one to receive with warmth and bursting fullness.
Dancing is an excellent way to practice generating this sort of polarity. It mimics the play of masculine and feminine energy inherent in the creative universe and gives you a chance to slip into very clear roles. In most dances there is a leader, who supplies a supportive frame and takes initiative, and a partner, who surrenders herself. But this could change in any moment and you never know when you might end up on the back foot. Dancing together presents a golden opportunity to build trust in your relationship, because – just like in lovemaking – it‟s not half as fun by yourself and if both of you try to be in charge at the same time neither of you will get where you want to get to.
#2: Practice Makes Perfect
Once you get past the initial anxiety you can start to laugh at your own awkwardness. Then slowly it starts to come together; your bodies are synchronised and it feels really good. Soon it seems that the rhythm is your own pulse. You start to believe: “Maybe this time we‟ll make it all the way together”, but then you miss a beat and it seems impossible to get back to where you were. Sometimes the disappointment is so great that you feel totally overwhelmed, but you want it so badly, you want to get there together and nothing less than absolute bliss will suffice.
#3: Give Yourself Over To Flow
The legendary jazz saxophonist, Charlie "Byrd‟ Parker, once said, “You've got to learn your instrument. Then, you practice, practice, practice. And then, when you finally get up there on the bandstand, forget all that and just wail”. That is what both dancing and sex are about: a passionate expression of the deepest, truest, and most vulnerable parts of our selves. Modern sex media has perpetuated a cult of sexual technique which has – in my opinion – dealt a very damaging blow to true intimacy and sensual love. Although one can certainly grow as a lover by remaining receptive to learning new things and by applying oneself to dedicate practice, I think that, ultimately, your openhearted willingness to give of yourself in love and trust is far more significant than how many inches you are packing or whether you can master the most challenging positions.
Mikhaly Csikszentmihalyi, a well-known psychologist based at the University of Chicago, describes a state of optimal experience which he calls “flow”. This is the state that exists when we become completely absorbed in a task. Time seems to slow down, and - although we feel completely calm – we are highly focussed and 100 per cent present in the moment. I think that learning to cultivate our capacity to enter into this state can have very tangible results on the dance floor as well as in the bedroom (not to mention on kitchen counters, office desks, and in the back of pick-up trucks). Practice (or perspiration), plus passion, plus presence is a powerful recipe for setting ourselves free.
#4: The Devil Is In The Details
Having just berated the cult of technique, it seems that I am about to contradict myself yet again. I have to admit that quite often a small change can make a big difference. When I studied ballroom and Latin dance in Beijing my teachers were pretty severe task masters, and, although I might not have always realized it in the moment, I have come to see how the finer points which they emphasized (for instance the finer nuances of posture, muscle tension, and weight distribution) contributed enormously to my confidence and effectiveness on the floor.
I think that the same is true in sexual intimacy. It is by paying attention to small details, and to the responsiveness of our partner that we are able to make the difference between a game of rough and tumble and a transcendental event that changes the world as we know it. Actually, dancing can help us to refine our bodies in ways that have a direct effect on our sexual performance. Dancing requires us to develop increased flexibility especially in our hips and pelvic region; it also develops core muscle strength and helps us to regulate our breathing. All of these capacities contribute directly to our versatility and endurance as lovers.
#5: Risk Taking
I am not a particularly good dancer and that is one of the reasons that dancing has proven to be so wonderful for me. Every time that I step onto the floor I am exhilarated and thoroughly terrified. When I was learning to dance the West Coast Swing I danced with multiple partners (both men and women) and I came – after a couple of weeks - to appreciate how each of them taught me something valuable about myself. The truth is that, whenever I dance, I make choice to stretch myself. Suddenly I begin to notice that life is full of opportunities to be courageous. Every time I dance I choose the path of vulnerability even in the face ridicule, rejection, and the great unknown.
To be superior lovers we need to stop relying on the script and lovingly stretch beyond our comfortable little repertoire of sexual tricks. We need to be willing to offer ourselves completely to our lover and boldly explore the vast territory which our union offers. We need to do this knowing that we will make mistakes, we will embarrass ourselves, and we will lose the beat and tramp on each other‟s toes. Sometimes it‟s messy and sweaty and intense, but we don‟t care; because when we choose love we choose to transform each moment into a work of art.
Would you care to dance?