Some guys are very romantic. They need to believe that every relationship, no matter how rocky and uncomfortable, was not conceived in vain. And in order to keep his romantic ideals intact for the next gal, you may need to do a little placating.
You caught him ogling your sister’s side-boob while she was pulling off her sports-bra after a short trot around the block. A forgivable offense? Maybe. But now, as you reflect on the history of transgressions past, you realize you could have easily dumped him for that “whore” comment he made last spring when he was drunk on absinthe at your best friend’s b-day party or that time, early on, when he hinted at ‘sharing’ you with his flab-belly friend Ross. So this feels like the last straw. It’s time to cut bait.
In the scenario above, it’s pretty easy to tell a dude to hit the bricks. He’s a jerk, he’s been a jerk all along, and now it’s time to dump his ass. But what if he’s not a jerk? What if he’s really a nice guy? What if he’s in love with you? What if he plans to spend the rest of his life with you? What if he just bought you something really nice and you feel you owe him something?
The point is every situation is different. And each situation requires a different dumping technique. Here are the best and most honest ways to break up with your boyfriend given certain facts about his personality.
"It’s Not You; It’s Me." – The A-Hole
If he is an A-hole, this is the perfect dumping line. By saying, “it’s not you; it’s me” you are actually saying the exact opposite “you freaking suck, I can’t stand to be with you, I’m normal, and you’re bat shit crazy.” Everyone knows the subtext here (except for that 2% of people who say this and really mean it). Essentially this line lets him know, unequivocally, that he is an A-hole and he’s got no recourse, no way to turn things around, because “it is him, he sucks.” Alternatively, you can offer up the truth without the subtext and see how that flies, but remember that slinging insults (whether they’re true or not,) has consequences. If you know you’re never going to see this person again, it might be best to sugar coat things and get the hell out of there.
"We Need To Talk." – For The Average Joe
To a guy, this phrase is a scary as it gets. “We need to talk” is an immediate sign that something is not right, and that he’s going to hear about it in detail very soon. Make sure that you know exactly what you want and what you’re asking for when you use this phrase. If your intention is to end the relationship, then follow up with a “this isn’t working for me” or an “I need a break” so that he knows where he stands. Otherwise allow him time to do some soul-searching and self-reflection about why you are calling for this “talk” and give him room to make some improvements to the relationship. But either way “we need to talk” gives a guy a chance to emotionally prepare for the inevitable, whether that’s a re-evaluation or the beginning of the end.
"We’ll Always Have ______." – For The Love Bird
Some guys are very romantic. They need to believe that every relationship, no matter how rocky and uncomfortable, was not conceived in vain. And in order to keep his romantic ideals intact for the next gal, you may need to do a little placating. You may need to say that although this relationship didn’t last, it served some higher purpose, that there was some transcendent quality to your love, that you both learned invaluable lessons from one another, and that because of this relationship you now have hope for the future, etc. And then end it with, “we’ll always have the Bakersfield lawn fete” or “we’ll always have…” - insert whatever romantic occasion is crystallized in his lovesick mind. In the end, he’ll feel better taking the news knowing that his romantic ideals are intact.
"I Think We Should See Other People." – For The Stalker
This is the equivalent to a swift kick in the nuts, which is only called for in extreme situations. It immediately conjures up the absolute worst imagery of you off gallivanting with another guy. He’s not going to picture himself with some new hot chick – he will only fixate on the fact that you want a new man. Many guys will also immediately take this a step further in their minds and convince themselves that you are already seeing someone else, after which you will then spend the rest of the conversation defending your faithfulness during the relationship. Don’t bust this one out unless you’re really in a bind with an obsessive freak, in which case, don’t actually say “we” say “you,” as in: “I think you should see other people, because I found God.” Then pray he moves on.
"It’s For The Best, Really." – For The Pragmatist
This is for the pragmatist, the guy who sees things logically. Essentially your task is to convince him that it makes sense to break up. You are offering an evidence-based conclusion that can’t be denied. Premise: we’re falling out of love. Evidence: we make love with headphones on. Conclusion: we should split. “It’s for the best, really.” Of course, it’s not really about what’s best for him at the outset, it’s about what’s best for you, but at the same time, if what’s best for you is to be single, then, almost by default, it is also the best thing for him to not be with you. Why? Because why would he want to be in a relationship with someone who is compromising what’s best for her to be with him? He is not getting the best of her which is what he wants, and which is indeed what’s best for him. Ergo, breaking up is for the best, really.
These lines may seem cliché, but all clichés come from truth. And the truth is, there is no easy way to dump someone, especially when you care about him/her. Whether you’re the dumper or the dumpee, you may find peace in that old adage about the sea having tons of fish, but the numbers don’t really matter; what you need to know is how to fish and when to cut bait.
