Though not all long distance relationships are the same, people in them would agree that there are things you must do to stand the test of distance. By Alice Tucker
Relationships are rarely a straight road that both individuals can
follow in perfect unison. After all, our lives can be divided up into so
many areas that demand our attention: our health, our families, our
career, and so forth.
Often, one of these demands may cause a fork in the road, separating a
couple on their relationship course temporarily, whilst a separate life
mission is pursued.
Three years into my own relationship, my partner and I met a fork in
the road. It was time for him to pursue his career further afield,
before we could advance our relationship to the next level. For two
years now, we have been spending weekdays apart and reconnecting at the
weekends. It’s a bittersweet arrangement.
Pursuing his career will only lead to a better life for us both in
the future, but it is hard to look past that when you are feeling alone
on a Tuesday night with only a king-sized bag of Maltesers to console
you. And to think some couples are separated for many more than five
days at a time!
The further down the road we travel, the more I realize that although
this isn’t the ideal arrangement, our relationship will benefit from it
in the future. There are certain relationship lessons and habits that
we are learning together that can only translate positively when our
roads reconnect in the future. They are lessons that I believe every
couple could benefit from, whether they’re apart for a year, a month, a
week, a day or are never apart at all, for better lives as both
individuals and in a relationship.
How to successfully work through a long distance relationship
Out of all the tips and tricks people can do to withstand being apart
from their loved one, here are the 10 survival tips that will ring true
for any relationship.
#1 Allow yourselves time to explore your own individual interests. After
being used to spending your time together as a couple a decent
proportion of your time, it may seem strange that a large segment of
your week is now spent as an individual as opposed to as a pair. The
choices you make in terms of how you spend your time differ so greatly
when alone. There’s nothing like going through life as a team, having a
support system with someone by your side, but this is not to say you
should not take advantage of your time as an individual.
Although you are not truly separating your lives when you are apart,
and it is quite important for your relationship that this is not the
case, you are in a situation where the choices you make are now
completely free from compromise.
Depending on how long you have spent being in a relationship, this
may be out of your comfort zone at first. Use the time to do things you
might not be inclined to do as a couple. This may be focusing on your
career, so that when it’s time to settle down, you can step back and
focus time on life with your partner. You may also want to reconnect
with friends whom you haven’t been able to make time for previously.
You may be surprised to find that there were a lot of things you
haven’t done in a while, whilst spending time with your loved one. We
often forget about the need for space in a relationship. Your individual
endeavors should by no means be kept secret from your partner.
#2 Discover more ways to connect and communicate. How
do you communicate with your partner when you are apart? Text, e-mail,
instant messenger, facetime? As a couple, my boyfriend and I never
really used to talk on the phone, other than a quick “do you need
anything from the shop?” or “I’ll be there in 5 minutes,” because nine
times out of ten, it’s easier to send a quick text. Since being apart,
we’ve had some of our most heartfelt and soul searching conversations
over the phone, and we are closer for it. This is purely due to the fact
that, not only do we miss each other but, by definition, talking on the
phone is time for talking and nothing else.
Ask yourself: when you are together as a couple, how much time do you
spend communicating? Yes, you’re together, but how much quality
conversation are you having? Do we need to fill time together with
films, television and other distractions? Why shouldn’t we make more
time for one to one communication in relationships?
Furthermore, just because we are in the age of technology, why
abandon the first and possibly one of the most romantic forms of
communication: the love letter? It can be heartfelt words of love, or
simply wishing your partner a good week. In an age of instant
communication, a letter is always an unexpected and romantic gesture.
#3 Be appreciative of your partner. This seems like
such obvious advice, but it’s strange how often we forget these simple
things. As a couple spending time together, you can often indirectly
start to annoy each other, or little character traits appear that you
never seemed to notice before. You inadvertently start taking the other
for granted, and the things you found so special and so attractive are
pushed to the back of your brain. But absence really does make the heart
grow fonder. When you are forced to spend time apart from your partner,
the times you reconnect are like revisiting your ‘honeymoon period.’
But why do you have to spend time apart to learn to re-appreciate
your partner? After all, they are still the same person, and those
special traits are still there! It’s you who has forgotten about them or
filed them under ‘the norm.’
Next time you are with your partner, whether it be after a day at
work or after a week apart, look for those unique features which set
them apart from the rest. Why are you choosing to spend your life with
this person? Because they showed you something that others didn’t, and
what’s more, they chose you too! That’s pretty special.
#4 Be appreciative of the time you spend together. After
spending time apart, even sitting and watching television together
feels special. Every moment is precious and you learn not to take it for
granted. It is important to make every moment count, even the ‘boring
bits.’ After all, we often seem to forget how big a deal it is that not
only are you committed to spending time with this one person, but they
also want to invest their time in being with you.
Give each other a return on that investment by making that time as
pleasant as it can possibly be, even if you’re not doing anything
special at all.
#5 Show an interest in each other’s daily lives. It’s
strange how much more you are inclined to ask questions and inquire
about your partner’s daily life after being apart five or more days at a
time, even the little things like their daily commute or what they had
for lunch.
When you spend every moment together, you often neglect to ask about
the smaller things in your partner’s daily life because you feel like a
part of it. But, just as we have learnt to embrace our own individuality
in a relationship, it is important to respect and show interest in your
partner’s individual life as well. You may instinctively rely on your
partner to tell you the highlights of their day, but there’s nothing
like the feeling of a loved one inquiring about these simple things
before you even think to tell them.
#6 Plan your time together. Go on dates together or
make a trip! It’s all about cherishing the time that you have together
and making it as special as it can be. This isn’t to say that you have
to plan an elaborate outing every time you see each other, but its
helpful to have something to look forward to whilst you are apart.
Furthermore, it’s also important to not be selfish with the time you
do have together, after all, your partner may be leaving others behind
as well! Accept that they need time to spend with friends and family,
and they will appreciate you more for it. Why not plan to involve
yourself with others who require your partner’s time, even if it puts
you out of your comfort zone. If you share the time you have, it will
save arguments and resentment.
It’s often tempting in normal relationships to rely on the fact that
you live together or that you live in the same town as your partner to
see each other. But is it always time well spent? Just because you see
each other morning and night, doesn’t mean that you should forgo dates
and trips. Why not book a week off to be together, even if all you do is
relax!
#7 Be spontaneous and break your usual routine. The
routine of weekdays without your partner and weekends spent together can
get a little repetitive and tiresome. We live with routine in our jobs
and so many aspects of our lives, and love is one thing that should be
free of it. After all, spontaneity is one of the biggest sparks of
romance.
Make last-minute surprise visits to break the routine. One surprise
visit can break up both of your weeks and make it so much more bearable.
And there is nothing to say you shouldn’t break your routine in your
average relationship. Plan to leave work early and prepare a dinner for
your partner, or meet them for lunch unexpectedly. You will make their
day.
#8 Plan for the future. So, moving in together and
settling down may have to be put on hold. There is no reason to lose
sight of what you want from the future and what you want as a couple.
Use the time to really decide on what you both want. Plan and compromise
now and when the time comes, it will save time, decision making and
arguments.
In any relationship, it is important to plan ahead. There is always a
brighter future waiting for you and planning towards it makes life
positive and motivating. Sharing that excitement with your partner makes
for a stronger bond.
#9 Learn to resolve disagreements quickly. You’d be
wrong for thinking that being apart would mean that you have fewer
disagreements when you are together. Arguments will always happen. But
arguing during your precious time together feels like a terrible waste
of that time, or arguing over the phone and not knowing how the other
person is truly feeling will leave you feeling helpless and raw.
Firstly, use this as an excuse not to argue at all. You have more
control over it than you think. We argue because our first instinct to
solve a disagreement is to, well, argue! It doesn’t have to be that way,
but it takes work and it takes practice.
Learn to resolve your disagreements quickly to save yourself a
prolonged “off” period, which is just a further waste of your time
together. This is usually done by reminding yourself that you are not
always right, and the issue isn’t that important.
Don’t forget that you can always agree to disagree, or cool down and
revisit the conversation when you’ve both had time to reflect. These are
all methods we can use in any relationship, because regardless of how
much time you spend together, arguing is usually a waste of time.
#10 Get over your jealousy and trust issues. It’s
hard to trust your partner when they spend a lot of time in an
environment that is alien to you and with new friends that you are
unfamiliar with. Remind yourself that making new friends is one of the
things that will make being away from home more bearable. Let your
partner have fun, and don’t forget to make regular plans of your own.
Don’t obsess! No one likes a bunny boiler. If you are feeling
insecure, it will only make you feel worse to text and check Facebook
every two minutes. Take a step back from you phone and your computer. If
you demand to know what your partner is doing all the time, they won’t
thank you for it. What’s more, you will end up creating all sorts of
stories in your head, if they don’t have time to reply to your messages!
Let them be and ask about it later.
Make every step along your road a pleasant one for not only
yourself but for your partner. And make every step of your long distance
relationship count! Use these 10 lessons to inspire you and motivate
you to pursue a future that you can enjoy together and make the wait
worth it!
