Do couples need to have sex to enhance their emotional intimacy? Or is it possible to grow closer emotionally without getting physical?
As old as I am now, I can only count the times I’ve ever been
emotionally intimate with someone on my left thumb. A few years ago, I
thought it was just me. Maybe I didn’t have the capacity to invest a
large part of my heart to anyone. But I soon realized many people around
me built emotional intimacy with their partners, and some succeeded at
it, but others failed at it.
Physical intimacy vs emotional intimacy
I wondered why this was working for them, and my questions led me to
think the answer was sex. Most of the couples I knew were indeed
physically intimate with their partners. So, I assumed that was why they
became emotionally intimate as well.
Fast forward to me snorting out my soda when a friend told me she was
marrying the guy she was sleeping with. Not her boyfriend. But the guy
she simply screwed around with. I did not expect that. I soon saw she
and this guy truly loved each other. So, did sex help push them to
become extremely in love and ready to tie the knot?
I still searched for an answer when another friend announced her
intent to marry as well. They dated for more than a year. But they still
hadn’t had sex. I don’t presume to know what goes on between them
during private moments, but looking at them and hearing how my friend
raves about her boyfriend solidifies the fact they are truly emotionally
intimate. Even without having slept together.
So, it all boils down to the ancient question. Which came first? The
chicken or the egg? Emotional intimacy or physical intimacy?
Do you need to have physical intimacy before emotional intimacy?
I’ve only presented two cases, whether you choose to believe them is
up to you. But it seems to me that the answer is no. You don’t need
physical intimacy, but it sure does help. I turned to those who know
best.
Paul Dunion, a licensed professional counselor, says
emotional intimacy is something we crave from the moment we are born.
It is not something that happens immediately once we are old enough to
understand the concept. Rather, a skill needing practice and perfected
over time.
Physical intimacy, on the other hand, is a different type of intimacy
altogether. Although it goes hand-in-hand with emotional intimacy, both
exist without the other. The only difference is physical intimacy won’t
last without emotional intimacy.
Whether you become physically intimate with your partner or not, you
still need to work on building emotional intimacy in order for your
relationship to thrive for the long term. In the end, physical intimacy
is not necessary to build emotional intimacy. But emotional intimacy is
necessary to fulfill the needs of people who want to be physically
intimate for a long time.
How can couples build emotional intimacy without sex?
This question may seem like it’s targeted to people who don’t want to
have sex with their partners yet. It also applies to people who are
already physically intimate with their partners. Even if you feel like
you are in the peak of your relationship, you benefit more from
emotional intimacy rather than focusing solely on the physical aspects.
#1 Be emotionally intimate with yourself first. Emotional
intimacy is about opening up and appreciating the one receiving your
attention, which is why it is possible to express love and acceptance
for yourself as well.
The way to accomplish this—being mindful of how you perceive
yourself. If you do not appreciate yourself or if you constantly find
fault in yourself, you end up manifesting this as a feeling of emptiness
or lack of emotional intimacy for your partner. This feeling reflects
on your partner and they, in turn, process your negative feelings toward
yourself as their own.
#2 Be as vulnerable as possible. Once you decide to
fully trust your partner, this means you need to show them everything
about yourself. Sex does make up a huge part of expressing
vulnerability. But being emotionally vulnerable can be more powerful.
Some parts of your life can be expressed at your own discretion, but
for the most part, open yourself up to your partner more in terms of how
you feel and what you need from them. By doing so, your partner feels
more comfortable doing the same. You’ll finally start to build more
emotional intimacy.
#3 Get proper counseling. Most professional
therapists advise sex is not the only answer to issues about emotional
intimacy. Emotions are more involved than physical reactions, and a
counselor helps you distinguish between the two. They also teach you how
to customize your experience when it comes to building emotional
intimacy. You don’t need to set a regular appointment with them as well.
James V. Cordova from Clark’s University Center for Couples says
people who check in with their therapists from time to time about
emotional health were more likely to experience an increase in emotional
intimacy with their partners.
#4 Express your emotional needs. If your partner
does not know what you need, how can they provide it? Although physical
intimacy is a primal need, emotional intimacy is an essential need. The
problem here, most people don’t know how to properly express to their
partners what they want and need the most.
Researchers think the best way to do this comes through baby steps.
You don’t have to dump all your requests in one sitting. You express one
request and see how your partner resolves it. Apart from that, your
partner tells you about their own needs as well.
#5 Be as understanding as you want your partner to be. One
of the biggest hindrances in a relationship is arguments. Some couples
like you to think a little alone time in the bedroom fixes things, but
that’s technically a manipulation of existing emotions. Anger and
resentment cannot be resolved by sex, which is why you need to opt for
the more engaging route, which is conflict resolution.
Conflict resolution remains a big part of building emotional
intimacy. If your partner trusts you to do the right thing and make the
right decisions, they follow suit and act in a way that’s best for your
relationship. Admitting and fixing mistakes is the first step. The next
step is to kiss and make up, and finally have more emotional intimacy so
you can proceed to physical intimacy *we’re talking about make-up sex*.
