Wednesday, May 6, 2015

How to Handle Awkward Girls (Who Get Nervous and Antsy)

How to Handle Awkward Girls woman - Nervous - Antsy-embarrassing

Chase’s amazing year-in-review really got me thinking about my own year. It was a fantastic year of growth, development, lessons… and women. I always find it to be a very interesting exercise to look at my year through the lens of women. “Which girl was I hanging out with this month? What challenges did we have? What adventures did we go on? What did I end up learning from the situation? What did I learn about myself?”

These are all valuable questions that seem to arise somewhat naturally when engaging in this exercise. So even if your year only saw two girls, and even if you may have done nothing but make out with them, still, think about how you changed and grew because of these situations.

Going into the year, I knew that one of my greatest challenges was dealing with a certain type of girl. I have a pretty strong personality; I like to make my presence known and I am not afraid to be loud and silly. So I tend to look for girls who are strong, independent, and quick-witted. That being said, I have learned that you can find these attributes in girls who are not necessarily the most extroverted.

So in thinking about how I could improve my seduction skills, I really wanted to challenge myself to see how I could be better equipped to deal with girls who possessed these attributes yet who just happen to be awkward.

I have never done well with dealing with awkward people; mirror neurons are some powerful things, and when you can clearly tell that someone is made somewhat (or fully) uncomfortable by one’s presence, no matter how socially adept you may be, it definitely starts to make you somewhat uncomfortable as well.

But some awkward girls are attractive, smart, and genuinely nice people. So I really asked myself over the first few months of last year: how can I overcome this challenge? How can I better connect with awkward girls who are not so socially savvy?

I asked many friends and colleagues about my challenge. And as I found myself in various social situations throughout 2014, I endeavored to push through my discomfort and actively engage with awkward girls as much as possible instead of excusing myself from the interaction as I had normally been accustomed to doing.

And the results were certainly interesting. So how do you deal with awkward girls? This is what I learned.

Understanding Awkward Girls

Why are awkward girls so… awkward? Well, in my experience, there are two chief reasons. It’s always been my belief that if you truly want to understand someone, then you have to understand where they came from.

And in exploring these reasons, we will explore the two main types of awkward girls you will encounter.

One type is much easier to deal with than the other, so I will outline the simpler one first.

Type 1: She Is Awkward Because She Likes You

More than you think, you will encounter a very normal, socially skilled, well-liked girl who is gregarious and friendly around everyone in her social sphere…except for you.

You think that you are the only one who gets nervous around people you like? Think again. Many girls get just as nervous as guys do when they encounter a guy they really like. They wonder if the guy likes them; they wonder if they are coming off too needy; they even wonder if they are good enough for the guy.

Understandably, it can be kind of jarring or puzzling for a guy to see a girl who is generally good with people and then suddenly becomesawkward and nervous around him. But,rest assured, this is perfectly normal. And there is a pretty easy way to address awkward girls of this type.

When a girl is awkward around you because she likes you, then you must focus on attainability above all else. Let me illustrate. Think about it this way: if an unattractive, overweight girl approached you on the street and asked you out on a date, how would you react? You would probably be a little put off and then nicely reject her without thinking twice about it. You would know – even if only subconsciously – that your sexual market value is higher than hers.

Now imagine if an absolutely stunning woman (who was just your type) in a pencil skirt approached you and said that she thought you were cute. How would you feel? You would feel nervous. Your palms would start to sweat. You heart rate would double. Your mind would start scrambling for the exact right things to say as you secretly told yourself not to mess this one up.

And why do you feel that way? You feel that way because it is a situation that you actually care about. You care about it because something desirable has come into your life, and your body and mind already have innate fear of losing it. And that is where true nervousness and awkwardness come from. Just like many things in human relations, they come from the fear of loss.

And awkward girls who get really nervous and antsy around you feel that exact same fear of loss. They perceive you to be a high-value man, and they want to avoid the reality of you not being in their lives.

So you must understand this fear in order to raise your attainability. You have to remember to:

    poke fun at yourself if she gives you too many compliments
    be sure to create a fun and uniting team dynamic
    make a point of building her up
    keep the dynamic light and fun

If you can remember to do these things – especially the last one – then you will put yourself in a great position to overcome her awkwardness. In a lot of cases, you will see that her awkwardness will greatly dissipate once she feels comfortable around you. Most of this kind of awkwardness comes from the fact that she feels that you do not fully accept her. So when she feels comfortable and safe around you, then you shouldn’t really have too much of an issue.

But if you do find that a girl is actually pretty socially skilled and yet is very awkward around you, just remember that attainability is key. If you can keep that attainability threshold high, especially when you are more skilled with women, then you will find that this kind of awkwardness will be easily dealt with in most cases.

So now that we have outlined the first type of awkwardness, let us move on to the second, albeit trickier, type.

Type 2: She Is Naturally Awkward

When I started off 2014 I was encountering a lot of situations where I could not deal with the first type of awkward girl. I would find a girl who was clearly very attracted to me, and then the situation would fall through the cracks because I would not be able to raise my attainability enough.

But as the year went on, I was able to make some of the important tweaks that I just talked about and found myself able to push through most situations where a girl was awkward because she was wondering whether or not I liked her.

However, the middle of the year brought a challenge of its own. I found myself encountering more and more girls who were attracted to me, but who were naturally awkward. I would try to depressurize the situations with humor and vivacious energy, but they would just give me awkward laughs or a load of silence.

awkward woman

The first few times this happened, it made me really, really uncomfortable. I would just keep talking and talking and she would just keep listening and listening, maybe chiming in with a brief word here and there, and yet the situation would remain just as tense. And I would find myself kindly excusing myself from the situations even though I still knew deep down that the girl had at least moderate attraction for me.

And then came the costume girl. The costume girl was not wearing a costume the first time I met her. In fact, she was wearing rather normal clothes. I met her out at a nightspot when I was out with my wingwomen one night. It was a really funny situation because I had two girls with me, and she had two guys with her. So her guy friends immediately started hitting on my girlfriends, who are admittedly pretty cute, and I started flirting with her.

The interaction was pretty awkward (no surprise there). But I decided that this time I would really try to push through. I knew that I had come a long way with the first type of awkward girls and I wanted to see how I would fare with girls who are extremely awkward. So I stayed my usual charming self, asking about her life and making jokes to do my best to release the tension.

The first 25 minutes or so were brutal. She was barely opening up, barely saying anything, and I was carrying the brunt of the conversation. And this was not a problem in practice, or in word, but mostly in energy. What you will find with awkward girls is that they have a way of sapping your energy because you have to expend so much making up for their lack of social acuity.

But even though the situation was so uncomfortable, there she was. She was still talking with me. She was still listening. She was not going anywhere. And so I kept interacting with her. The interaction persisted for another 20 minutes or so. And in these last 20 minutes, she definitely warmed up. She loosened up, she told me more stories, and she even danced with me a little bit.

At the end of the interaction, I grabbed her number and asked her out on a date. She gave me the usual “I am too busy” line. But I persisted and got a solid “maybe” from her. I text her later that night to leave my name and make a joke about something we had talked about. She did not respond. Though, this fact is not that surprising. The next day I sent her a challenge text to see if I could try to get a reaction out of her and set up the date, but she still did not bite.

In the end, I thought it was fine. As always, I knew that there are an infinite number of girls, and I immediately focused my energy on bringing other girls into my life. I moved on with the certainty that I would probably never see her again.

And then came Halloween. On all Hallow’s Eve I was actually buying decorations for an event I was putting on the next day, and I saw a girl in a princess costume who looked strangely familiar.

When I realized who it was, I thought about what I should do. In most situations, when encountering an unsavory girl, I usually just carry on about my business. But this time… I wanted to try something different.

So from the end of the aisle, I yelled to her: “Hey, princess, I think I know you.” And then I confidently walked up to her. She was just as awkward as I had remembered her, but she was still giving me many signs of attraction. I got her to invest in the situation by asking her opinion on various decorations that I was planning on buying. And she seemed to be pretty into it.

And then we parted ways, and left it at that. But at that point, I thought that I should continue down the track of trying something new. So I gave her a phone call from the parking lot and said, “Hey princess, it’s Colt. I had a good time talking with you just now and I would still like to take you on that date. Now, I know you’re a busy woman. I’m a busy man. But the thing about busy people is that they find time to do things they really like. So if you are not interested, then no worries. And I will not contact you again. But if you are interested, then you will text me when you find time and we will go out. But no pressure though, whatever you choose is fine with me!”

And I left the interaction at that. I didn’t hear anything for about a week, and I assume that she had decided against hanging out. And then out of the blue I got a text that said: “hey colt, I am free on Thursday. Let us get together if you still have time.”

I was pleasantly surprised. I ended up going out with her that week, and even though it was still fairly awkward, we still had a good time. And throughout that date, I learned a couple of valuable lessons.

A. You Just Have to Keep Moving Forward

Throughout the date, I just kept in my mind that with women, it is all about results and not reactions. And as I was bouncing her from venue to venue, she seemed to continue to follow me, so I just kept moving forward even if the situation got awkward.

B. You Have to Maintain the Energy

It was such an interesting experience because I knew that I had to maintain the energy the entire night. If the energy started to dissipate, I knew the whole interaction would fall apart because she would not do anything to keep the momentum going.

C. Ask Pointed Questions

I learned that with awkward girls 90% of your questions will yield a one word or one sentence response. So you just have to keep asking pointed, open-ended questions until you hit a topic that they really care about. You have to be supremely interested. For her, the topic was her siblings. She had twin younger siblings and triplet younger siblings – all considerably younger. And it seemed that she grew up in a poorer background, so she was forced to grow up faster than most people.

That was really interesting to learn about. And she seemed to get a whole new energy when she was telling me about it. It was a relief to finally hit on a topic that she was passionate about. So I probed and delved deeper into it for as long as I could. And even when our threads went other directions, and especially when she would start to get awkward again, I would find a way to work it back in.

D. You Still Have to Close

After hitting a few spots, I accidentally happened upon my apartment building. She was weird about it at first because my building doesn’t look like an apartment building (used to be an old office building) and there were police in the lobby for some reason. But after punching in the code, she seemed to catch on. And still… she continued to follow me.

And as we got up to my place, I followed my usual closing protocol. She was still getting awkward even while I was kissing and touching her. And I was unsure if I should keep going, but she seemed alright with it.

awkward woman

After a very, very long date, I walked her to her car. And much to my surprise, she thanked me for the date. I smiled, and said: “To think, you weren’t even going to give me a chance.”

To which she replied: “Well, thank you for helping me come to my senses.”

It was a great ending on that particular night. But after a couple more dates, the chemistry was really off, and she finally decided that she wasn’t down to keep hanging out and told me via text. It was actually a refreshing thing to hear because she was completely honest about it. And it was on a good day for letting things go, too.

After her, I have encountered a few more naturally awkward girls, and the most important thing that I always remember is to just keep pushing forward. If she really doesn’t like you…she won’t follow you.

Final Personal Reflections on Awkward Girls

My final encounter with that awkward girl from Halloween really got me thinking. The night before she sent me that conclusory text, and was at a party with a bunch of good friends. I was telling one of my good female friends about the situation that I had been having with this girl.

Upon hearing the whole story, she said something interesting: “You still gave her a chance after all that radio silence? It is my general belief that if the girl is not down from day one, then you are not going to end up with her. So you may as well not waste your time.”

I knew there was a reason why I keep her around. It was a very striking thing for me to hear. And it was definitely a good reminder of my own understanding of the tenets of desire. Either the girl is fully into you… or she isn’t. And having this exchange definitely helped me fully let go of the situation without any hang-ups. In fact, I even thanked my awkward girl for her openness and honesty.

And as I was reflecting on the situation even more, I came to think about the idea of a niche or a tribe. Our society is moving back(slowly) toward an artisanal style of work. Rather than people desiring to be in large corporations, they would rather be in small boutiques or even start their own small businesses where they can focus on one specialized skillor set of skills.

This type of business is focused more toward catering to a specific demographic of people rather than trying to use the blanket approach that has been preached for the last few decades. And it is making companies much more successful and much more able to satisfy the needs of their true market.

And it’s funny, when I first started reading Girls Chase and other seduction sites, I would stumble upon articles every once in a while that talked about guys having a specific kind of girl that they specialized in. Some guys were really good with Asian girls; some guys were really good with actresses; some guys were really good with driven business women. And I would always think to myself, “If you have the skill to get almost any girl, why would you focus on only one particular kind? Why would you not just get as many as you possibly can and really push your limits as often as you can?”

But now after a few years in the game, I fully realize why guys tend to hone in on a specific niche. After you’ve slept with enough girls, you realize that there are many types of girls who simply do not float your boat. Just like being a business owner, 98% of the people you encounter are not going to be people who you actually want to buy your product. So rather than trying to cater to them and “win them all over”, you should just focus on the 2% who do want your product.

You find that some girls do not share your interests; some girls are too boring; some girls party too much; some girls cannot handle your sense of humor; and some girls just do not have as much ambition as you would like in a woman. You learn that there are a thousand different things that you find undesirable about most women, and you lose the drive and energy to win these girls over by having to constantly game them into hanging out with you.

Instead, you just find a niche of girl that you really love spending time with. Sometimes it’s based on an activity like rock climbing. Sometimes it is based on a personality trait like being artsy and introspective. Sometimes it is based on geographic location or origin like having a passion for South American women.

Whatever the case may be for you particularly, once you’ve had your go with enough girls, you find that you get a lot more satisfaction and return on your investment from sticking within your niche. And you realize that the probability of finding a long-term girlfriend (or even wife) from your niche girl is actually pretty good – much higher than the random scattershot approach.

That is not to say that you should not game girls outside of your niche. You should still Soday game, you should still flirt with girls at parties, and you should still move fast in all situations. These actions will help you keep your skills sharp. But most of your energy (the Pareto 80/20 if you will) should be invested in your niche girl.

And for some of you reading this, you may not be at that point. You may still be at the point where you are just trying to get as many references with as many different types of girls you possibly can. And that is completely fine. But for the men who feel like their efforts are too frenetic, or their lives are too busy, focusing on developing a mental model of what your niche girl is, and then investing your energy on finding and seducing that kind of girl, can be one of the most valuable things you ever do.

So do I love awkward girls? I love all women. But at the end of the day, in my heart of hearts, I know that they are not for me. And that is okay.

Wrapping Up

Awkward girls come in many varieties. They can be nerdy, funny, smart, or just average. But sometimes it is hard to get to know them and find out which type really lies under the surface.

So now you have the tools to at least assess what kind of girl you are dealing with and to not get in your own head about whether or not she is attracted to you. More often than not, she is probably wondering whether or not you are attracted to her.

So the key is to make her feel as comfortable as possible and then to keep moving forward with your usual process. And as long as you remember that her following is the most important thing, then you will win out a lot more often than you think.

It is all up to you.

Carpe Diem,


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