Nothing is worse than a gift like ‘couples dance lessons.’ To put it another way, how would you like it if he only got you NHL season tickets for Christmas?
You’ve probably already asked him what he wants for Christmas. And he’s probably answered that question in one of the following ways: “I don’t care.” “Whatever.” “You don’t have to buy me anything, seriously.” “Let’s not exchange gifts this year, that will be our gift to each other – the fact that we don’t have to buy each other gifts.”
See, the truth is most guys don’t care about Christmas presents. And, the reality is a six-pack of his favorite beer, a free pass to skip one of your family parties or work functions, a handful of lotto scratch-offs, fellatio with no strings attached (i.e. “after I do this, you have to scrub the shower”), would all be ideal gifts.
But you being you, and it being the season of baking cookies and caroling and spending money one doesn’t have on things others don’t want, it won’t suffice to settle for the obvious, pedestrian gifts that you know he will actual like and enjoy.
Instead, you will go out shopping and you will buy stuff for him (if you haven’t already) that you think he will like or, more likely, stuff that you like that you hope he will also like, but really, secretly don’t care if he likes just so long as he uses it or wears or what-have-you when you’re around.
I can’t stop you from shopping. Lord knows it’s engrained in every fiber of your being. But what I can do is share with you is some shopping advice that will help you avoid annoying him completely. Here are five gifts that you should NOT buy your boyfriend for Christmas.
1. Gym Membership
He’s a man. But don’t be fooled. Chances are he’s acutely aware of his growing paunch, his plumber’s butt, and his drooping jowls. If you buy him a gym pass for Christmas you are reiterating something he already knows: he’s overweight, out of shape, and lazy. This is not something he wants to be reminded of when he is hammer-hogging Christmas ham and those peanut butter cookies with the Hershey’s Kisses in the center. Do yourself a favor and save the gym membership for a more appropriate time, like his birthday when he can use the prospect of working out to subdue his anxiety about going grey or, worse yet, bald.
2. Shared Gifts
Don’t buy stuff that is for “both of you.” It’s not for both of you, it’s for you – let’s be honest. Nothing is worse than a gift like ‘couples dance lessons.’ To put it another way, how would you like it if he only got you NHL season tickets for Christmas? Remember, your interests are not necessarily his interests. In fact, aside from sex, eating and one or two other subjects, you two probably have very different passions.
Unless he asks you for a particular cologne or aftershave, etc., don’t buy him one. He won’t wear it. Most men smell. And they like the smell of their own I-just-worked-a-long-day musk. It’s a manly thing. Plus, many guys believe that flower-scented water is a huge waste of money. If given a choice, they’d much rather smell like the Old Spice they’ve been wearing since age 12.
4. Turtleneck Sweater
I thought these were out of style, but I guess not because a female friend of mine bought me one recently (at a holiday party). It sucks. I mean, textile-wise it is sound, it’s woven well, and it’s made from a nice plush fabric, but I’ll never wear the goddamn thing. Your boyfriend won’t either. So leave that off your shopping list.
5. Something Expensive
Okay, it doesn’t matter what it is, but don’t buy something super nice or super expensive. You’ll only make him feel like crap. Plus, given the nature of the economy, there’s a good chance that your BF is not going to drop a pile of greenbacks on your presents this year and if you outspend him, he’ll feel like he let you down. Keep it inexpensive and aim for utility.