Sunday, April 14, 2013

Wanna Score? You Have To Scour !!!

Wanna Score? You Have To Scour - man cleaning washing wall bathroom
Clutter in your house says that you mismanage other parts of your life as well.

No matter your religious views, the most important thing to remember is cleanliness is next to Godliness.  Loosely translated for the single person’s benefit – the nicer your place, the more repeat business you’ll be doing with the ladies or men of your choice. Show that you respect yourself and those you invite into your domain by keeping things tip top.

I met this girl just out of university and we began dating.  On the third date it was back to her place to consecrate the relationship.  I can guarantee that she knew where the evening was headed before she hopped in her shower to get ready.  Women always do, smart creatures that they are. She was ready. She dressed the part.  I can even imagine her smirk as she applied the eyeliner and talked to herself like a character out of a Bill Bellamy film, “I am gonna hit that tonight! Daddy has no idea what this tigress gonna do to ‘em.”

Well, that little tigress should have paused for moment, spun around the house and taken a good, long look.  Before this night, I thought apartments as nasty as this one were solely the domain of men, but this opened my eyes to a unisex problem that plagues singles in general. Even though we were all heated up and ready to go, once I saw that apartment, my mood changed.

The bedroom looked ransacked – drawers open with clothes all over the place. The bathroom looked like a bad night in Beirut.  The living room - oh the living room – I didn’t know which was worse:  the lack of taste or the thick layer of dust on everything. The kitchen was literally without a clean glass.  If she didn’t give a damn about her surroundings then what else did she not give a damn about? Personal hygiene? STD transmission? How many sketchy notches did she have on her bedposts? What kind of man would see this place and go through with it?

“I’m just going to head out and get us a bottle of wine.  Be back in a minute.”  That was the best I could do, and I never went back. Cruel sounding perhaps, but what would you have done?

Here’s the moral of the story: If you want to score, you have to scour.

So let’s review the house rules shall we?

Note before beginning: Target can handle most all of your needs. Go take a drive.

The bathroom is a holy place for women, so spic and span should be the order of the day.  If you are bringing home a girl and she sits on your diseased throne without problem then what makes you think she’s not still wearing Tuesday’s panties on a Thursday?  And gals, take a peek at how the toilet looks in the full and upright position. Likely your date doesn’t pee sitting down.

Here’s a newsflash: Toothbrushes are meant to be changed regularly so fix that disaster of a problem first and always have a new second one handy for his or her highness. No one wants to be kissed by someone who’s willing to brush their teeth with a crusty old clump of bristles. Finally, make the effort to find clean and matching towels - not hung over the door please.

Clean your dishes! A sink full of dirty dishes is just gross, no matter what your gender. If there’s even a remote possibility that you’re going to bring someone home tonight, make the effort. Even if you strike out, your clean sink will raise your self-esteem. It’s also wise to invest in some matching glass ware and a wine decanter. It’s classy, practical, and romantic.  Even if you don’t know anything about wine, you’ll appear like the kind of person who cares about what you drink.

Wipe down counter tops, appliances etc with multipurpose glass cleaner. The important note here is that you may not see the old food bits clinging to your stove, but your date will. And finally, put something in your fridge or cupboards besides ketchup and cereal. You don’t have to buy groceries for your date, but it’s only polite to offer chips and salsa or cheese and crackers when you bring someone home, especially if you’ve been drinking.

Deals on beds are everywhere.  Deals on linens are everywhere.  You have no excuse to have a crappy bed with old linens. Solid colors are best, and the higher the thread count the better.  Invest in a quality blanket or duvet and nice pillows.  Here’s the deal.  A well sized and tastefully done bed will make anyone comfortable.  No one wants to stay in your twin bed from high school.  The finer your surroundings the more likely they’ll want to curl up and stay a while.

Remember, this is your lair.  Watch a James Bond film and duplicate.  Lighting is never to be harsh so find some alternatives to your overhead flood light. Some night stand lamps, or a standing lamp will keep the mood romantic, and eliminate self-consciousness. And put your damn clothes away.

Living Room
My advice is to spend decent money on few select items and take a minimalist approach.  One great looking, comfortable couch is better than two crappy threadbare armchairs. And no lazy boys.  This isn’t your grandfather’s basement retreat and you can’t pull any moves in a one seater.  Get on craigslist to find something you could never afford new for just a few hundred bucks.

Survey your coffee table. Get rid of your bong and your game controller for god’s sake guys, and ladies, don’t go too crazy with the scented candles. The main thing is to get a handle on the clutter. Of course you want to leave out a few things to display your personality, but clutter in your house says that you mismanage other parts of your life as well. Less is more.

Keep the television possibility out of bounds. Put the remote away and don’t suggest watching anything. Nothing kills intimacy faster than late night comedy shows or blaring television commercials. A clean throw blanket is a nice touch – the recurring themes here being closeness and intimacy. Let your furniture dictate comfort and serenity.

Remember, the more it appears that you respect your surroundings the, more it appears that you respect yourself. And the more self-respect you have, the more equipped you are to respect others.  These efforts are guaranteed to bear fruit - unless you have no game.

My apologies, they don’t sell game at Target or on Craigslist.

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