If you’re preoccupied with the demise of your relationship, it’s time to end it.
Feeling Locked Into Your Summer Relationship?
Wish you were solo for this year’s 4th of July fireworks by the lake?
Praying you get up the nerve to end the relationship in time to stop that summer weekend getaway you planned months ago? It’s time to get out - now. Review the signs below and take my advice: better to have your freedom than to be with the wrong person.
Selfish is as selfish does
Do you find yourself on the brink of breakup only to put it off when you realize you’ll be dateless to an old friend’s wedding a few weeks later? Do you love the idea of romantic dates but wish you were having them with someone else? I’ve got news for you – you’re acting selfish. If you’re preoccupied with the demise of your relationship, it’s time to end it. It’s not fair to your boyfriend to string him along, having him think that things are going okay when you’re spending every dinner date secretly crafting your good-bye speech. Imagine how you would feel if you discovered your partner was bored and just going through the motions? No one wants to be a consolation prize.
Are there two sides to your face?
You’re bored with your girlfriend, but you don’t want to hurt her, so you go along with the summer plans you’ve made. Now you’re at the cottage with her parents playing Monopoly and wishing you could put a bullet in your head. You smile over at your gal and she beams back at you, with no clue as to what’s happening in your head. You think you’re being gallant, protecting her from the horrible pain of a break-up. But actually you’re just wasting her time and being a big, fat coward. She could meet a nice guy from across the lake that weekend and you could be out on a beer garden patio with your buddies flirting with someone new. Wake up and break up already.
Once you’ve finally decided to do the right thing and initiate the break up, pick a date to do it and let your partner know that you’re getting together because you “need to talk about the relationship.” This accurate if not ominous prelude will give him or her the picture before you even get together. That way, half the horrible deed is already done. When you get together, speak your mind about how you feel. There’s no need to tell her you never liked her perfume or that his arms just aren’t buff enough for your taste, but be honest about the reasons you don’t think it’s working out.
Take a cue from clinical therapists and use “I” statements to explain your feelings. “I” statements are, as they sound, statements that begin with “I”. For example, “I feel like I don’t fit into your life and it’s making me unhappy,” or “I’m not in love with you anymore.” The beauty of the “I” statement is that you’re not accusing anyone of anything, you’re not pointing any fingers of blame, you are simply taking responsibility for your own emotions and getting them out on the table. Your partner can’t argue with your own true feelings.
Waffling always seems like the easy way out at the time that you’re actually doing the breaking up, but believe me, it draws it out in a much more gruesome, completely unnecessary way. If she’s trying to say that you can still go to that movie on the weekend, gently say no, that you need some space for a while. If he says he’ll call you later to talk more, tell him that this talk is all you can handle for the next few days. After all, you’re hurting too. Don’t get sucked into a commitment that will just draw out the painful part of the break up and not allow you each to move on. The healthiest thing is to walk away with no immediate future plans. Of course you may end up on the phone again soon anyway, but don’t plan for it.
Now go out and enjoy life! Break ups are difficult and sad, and there will likely always be things about your ex-partner that you miss, but you definitely don’t want to think about those things in the first few weeks after you break up. Give yourself a healthy dose of friend time, and focus on the fact that your real true love is somewhere out there waiting for you. You’ve done the right thing, and you and your ex will both reap the rewards.