Wednesday, October 17, 2012

What Everyone Secretly Thinks About You !!!!

We know you’re reading this right now. We think it’s vaguely hilarious that you actually think you can improve your life. You can’t. No one can. We’re dealt a certain hand at birth, and that’s that. Don’t tempt fate. You’re just going to end up looking stupid.

You’re still reading? Did we not make it clear that we don’t approve of this? Alright then, you’ve left us no choice but to laugh at you behind your back. Yup. That’s right. Next time we all hang out, and you think we’re making fun of you—we are. That’s what we do. Because we want to make sure you don’t embarrass yourself. You’ll thank us later.

Look. You really need to stop reading this “dating advice” stuff. We’re going to make you feel like you’re some sort of sleazy freak for actually believing it could work for you. Just be average, okay? There’s nothing wrong with average. We like average friends. We don’t like friends who study dating advice, got it?

We like you as you are. That’s the person we know! Not this “I-want-to-improve-my-success-with-women” guy! No one wants that guy at the party. We want to hear your sob story. We want to pretend to feel bad for you, even if we don’t care at all. We like hearing about your “hard luck with the ladies” because it makes us feel a little better about our own hard luck with the ladies.

And you know what? When you go out and try to “improve yourself,” you make it damn hard for us to feel good about ourselves. Don’t you think you owe us that? Don’t you care what we think? No, of course you don’t! If you did, you would have stopped reading a long time ago—when we were laughing behind your back!

But you decided to keep at this anyway. You didn’t let the “peer pressure” get to you. You somehow think you’re better than us, don’t you? Doing this “self-help” nonsense. You do realize that it’s all a scam, right? We sure think it is—even we’re too cowardly and lazy to ever seriously look into it.

Oh, now you’re going to get up on your high horse and judge us, aren’t you? Well, what’s so bad about being lazy, or a coward? I’ll tell you what: it’s a lot easier to sit around and do nothing on the weekend than to try to “improve” yourself (which is just a waste of time anyway).

God would have never invented booze, video games, and fantasy football if He wanted us to “work on ourselves!” Man, while you’re out busting your ass and trying to get better at stuff, we’re going to be laughing at you and chugging beers on the couch. And who do you think is going to be having more fun? EXACTLY.

Life’s short, man, and it’s all about living for the moment. While you’re worrying about your future and trying to give yourself a better life, we’re going to be enjoying every moment on the couch getting fatter, drunker, and lazier.

And you’re sort of running it for us. We can’t fully enjoy our mediocrity if you’re not being mediocre with us! So, here’s what we’re going to do. We’re going to undermine all your achievements and progress with sarcastic remarks and underhanded jokes.

Oh, so you managed to get that hot waitresses number? Well, she wasn’t that hot anyway. And besides she looks like a slut. Anyone could have gotten her number—we were just too busy hanging out and enjoying ourselves to actually try.

Besides, you only got her number. She probably gave you a fake number anyway…wait, what’s that? You had sex with her. No way. You’re lying.

So that’s what you’re learning from this dating advice? How to lie? You probably lie to women, too, don’t you? Trust us, we know all about that stupid dating advice! We saw those commercials for the VH1 show four years ago.

So now we’re just going to stop talking to you. And you know what we’re going to say when you confront us. We’re going to say you “changed.” Yup. That’s right. We’re going to criticize you with the most generic and elusive term imaginable so that you have absolutely no defense. It may be true that the entire purpose of studying dating advice was to change—yet we’re going to use that against you. Have fun being a friendless loser.

And when you’re ready to change back—and by “change back” we mean not change at all—you know where to find us. We’ll be on the couch, drinking beer, playing video games, and talking trash about you and how you’re lying about all this success you’re having. We better see you soon. Or else we might begin feeling really bad about ourselves….

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