Relationships can be a challenge at the best of times, but when you throw moving to another country into the mix, it can present many different challenges. By Rachael Roberts
It seems like a romantic notion to move overseas in the name of love.
Like something you see in a movie. In reality, it can be a difficult
choice to take the leap to leave behind your family, country, and
everything about your life to be with the person you love.
How it all began for me
Five years ago, I traveled in Bali, Indonesia, and met my husband.
After dating for a while, I made the choice to stay in the country and
get a job to stay with him so we could see where the relationship would
go. Now we are married and have a child, and even though this decision
has at times made me so homesick to the point where I feel haunted by my
decision, I would make the same choice again if I had the chance
because I love him more than anything.
The times when I feel like I made the wrong choice, times when I felt
disconnected from my family and friends, or I felt like an outsider in a
strange country, these are the ups and downs to living abroad for your
love.
#1 Starting from the bottom in a new job role. Before
moving to Bali, I had been at university studying psychology and felt
unsure of what I would do afterwards. I figured I would spend some time
with my partner and then figure it all out later. In the meantime, I
enrolled in an online course to teach English as a second language
(ESL).
I found a job fairly quickly, but you start again at the bottom of
the ladder, no matter what your experience or previous jobs were back at
home. It also seems these jobs are so readily available to working
tourists who come and go, companies don’t necessarily pay well. Earning
more money than what is enough to live month-to-month is difficult here.
On the other hand, the cost of living is much lower than back home,
so an average expat’s wage is enough to get by. The best part about
working for a school with other ESL teachers was that it gave me the
opportunity to meet other westerners on the island, some of which have
become very close and helped me get through some of the harder days.
When you live away from home, whether it be a different city or a
different country, finding new friends is an essential part of feeling
as though you belong.
#2 Being dependent on another person. One of the
hardest parts of moving to another country so different to my own was
being dependent on another person. I relied on my husband for so much,
especially before I was able to converse with the locals. Going to the
store or making a phone call seemed impossible. It can be a blow to your
confidence if you were independent before.
There have been many times when I felt hopeless, but since learning
to speak the local language and meeting other expats who are in the same
position as me, it became much easier.
When you do make the move to another country, be mindful that not
everything falls into place right from the get go. It takes time, you
need to be patient. You need to be open to learning new ways of doing
things.
#3 Push yourself out of your comfort zone. While it
can be daunting to get out of the house without your partner when they
must work, you will thank yourself for it later. As mentioned earlier,
when you make the move to live in another country to be with the person
you love, you give up a big part of your identity. As well as learning
how to do everyday tasks in another country, which leaves you overly
dependent on your partner.
Once I told myself enough was enough and made the effort to get out
and start learning to converse with other people and do things myself
again, I felt much better. I got my international license, and a car to
drive. I started going out, even if it was just to get groceries.
Before I relied on my partner or his friends to pick me up and take
me places, which is not ideal. Honestly, it put more pressure on our
relationship. Relationships are already hard work without the added
pressure of someone relying on you, or you relying on someone else for
the most basic parts of everyday life. Once I realized this, and pushed
myself to do more for myself, it made our relationship stronger and
happier.
#4 Differences make or break a relationship. Being
in a mixed marriage can be exciting and exotic, but it also poses extra
challenges. Different cultures, religions, languages, and beliefs play a
part in our everyday lives. At times, they get the best of us and make
us feel as though we are worlds apart.
Other days, these differences bring us closer because we have so much
more to learn about each other. We constantly teach each other about
ourselves, helping each other learn new words in our new languages and
so much more.
Now that we have a child, we learn even more as we teach her what is
important to us. What I learned from being in a cross-cultural marriage
is that at times I need to change my perspective and expectations on
certain situations, as well as to be more patient.
#5 Know when you will see the other people in your life. One
thing I learned that helps with the homesickness is to make sure I know
when I will see my family next. Whether it be them coming here for a
holiday, or my husband and I going there to see them. It really helps.
Not only does it help with the homesickness, it also keeps us from
arguing as much.
When I am homesick, we argue more. When that happens, there seems to
be a feeling of resentment from the both of us. That is not what either
of us signed up for. Make sure you keep that balance between your new
life with your partner and your life back home with your family and
friends.
#6 Take your time. When you make the move to another
country, whether it is for love or for another reason, give yourself
realistic expectations. Don’t expect for everything to fall into place
and feel right the moment you step off the plane, because that is
unlikely to happen.
Living in another country is very different to being on a holiday.
Many people, including myself, feel let down when realizing the two are
very different.
Also, take time with your relationship and let it grow naturally.
Sometimes, when we invest so much into a relationship, we want to see it
flourish very quickly. That also may be unrealistic, or make a
relationship fabricated and may not stand the test of time.
Give yourself and your partner time to get to know one another and
enjoy the honeymoon stage of a new relationship. I found at times we
both expected more from the other person.
We both invested so much into the relationship so early on. Here in
Bali, many people expect you to get married quickly and start having a
family. Many found it confusing and were outspoken about the fact we
didn’t get engaged until a year into our relationship and then got
married another year later.
Take your time, enjoy each other, and don’t worry about what others
think about your choices. Do what feels right for you and your partner.
#7 What makes it all worth it. While moving abroad
for the one you love may not sound like a fairy tale, it has many
rewards. I found someone who also made the choice to live a different
life to what they expected. My husband is very spiritual, and religion
is a big part of his life. I know he would like to have me more involved
in that part of his life.
However, he understands I have a different attitude to this and he
doesn’t push me. He has been patient with me, and done everything he can
to make me feel comfortable in his home and in his country. I know he
does it all because he loves me as much as I love him.
Choosing to live a life abroad for your partner is a big
decision. Make sure you both set the boundaries you need for you both to
flourish.
