Being able to offer constructive criticism is an important, but difficult life skill to master. These 9 tips help you master this skill with ease.
Being in a relationship gives you a friend and a partner who can help
you improve yourself. This is an often overlooked aspect of being with
someone. Your significant other can point out potential areas of
improvement in all aspects of your life. And of course, it works both
ways – you can and should do the same for them.
We often seek advice from our partners, and in a healthy
relationship, this will be given honestly, even if it’s critical in any
way. And when two people truly love and trust each other, they can offer
criticisms even when they are unsolicited. The key is in doing it
right, and that’s where the art of constructive criticism comes in.
The art of constructive criticism in a relationship
When you recognize an area where your partner can improve something
about themselves, or when there’s something about them you want to
change to strengthen your relationship, you need to confront them about
it.
But taking criticism is hard for everyone, and just blurting out what
you want them to change can feel like an attack. Use these tips to make
your criticism constructive, and you’ll find a much more receptive
listener.
#1 Write it down first. You’re not an objective
actor when criticizing your significant other, and your emotions can
swing while you bring up the subject. All those points you had thought
out beforehand can disappear in the moment. You’ll probably be nervous,
and you may temper your points too much and offer up a weak argument.
Before you confront them, write down what you want to say. You might
even think about practicing it out loud a few times before the actual
conversation. Once you’ve settled on what you want to say, don’t
self-censor in the moment. The talk will go much smoother if you’re not
stumbling over your words.
#2 A spoonful of sugar. A great way to take the
rough edges off of a criticism is to offer it with a compliment. This
makes someone feel less like they’re under attack. It needs to be a
sincere compliment though, or it will make the situation worse.
If you think your partner needs to be nicer to one of your friends,
start the conversation by complimenting them on some situation where
they were really friendly to someone.
If you understand some of the reasons why they’re mean to that
person, empathize with them. Tell them you know how that friend can be
sometimes, but they’re an important person in your life, and your
partner needs to be kinder to them.
#3 Stay calm and controlled. It can be difficult,
but it’s crucial to keep your emotions under control when you’re
offering a criticism of your partner. Losing your temper will only lead
to a fight, and any advice you gave will be totally ignored.
If you feel like your talk isn’t going well, it’s better to abort the
mission than have an argument. Even if they are getting angry, you’ve
got to keep it together. When they’ve calmed down later, hopefully they
will realize that they were out of line.
#4 Check your language. The way you phrase your
criticism is often as important as the criticism itself. If it sounds
like you’re ordering your significant other to do something different,
they won’t respond well at all. But if you can gauge your language, you
will take off the rough edges of the advice you’re giving and make them
more receptive.
Don’t be too direct and say “You do this…” Instead, begin with “It
seems to me…” Use conditionals like “What if you…” instead of direct
suggestions like “You have to…” or “You should…”
You probably already use subtle language tricks like this all the
time whether you realize it or not. When you sit down to have this kind
of talk in your relationship, make sure you do it.
#5 Keep it light. One way to keep the situation from
getting out of control is to keep it light. Don’t present your
criticism as something major. If you can even just mention it in passing
instead of having a big sit down talk, the advice may be received
better. Be careful though, as doing this constantly will just seem like
nagging.
#6 Look at the bright side. When you offer
constructive criticism to your partner, you’re usually pointing out an
inadequacy about them. If that’s all you do in your talk, it can be very
demoralizing to them. Try to point out some times to them when they
didn’t do the thing you’re criticizing them about.
This does two things: It helps them feel better about themselves, and
not just like a failure. It also shows them that they already are
capable of doing better. You don’t have to act as if you were talking to
a child. Just be sure to offer up a positive to counter the negative.
#7 Pick your spots. Timing is everything, and that’s
certainly true about choosing when to bring up your criticism. On the
one hand, you don’t want to spoil a nice occasion by angering your
partner or risking a fight. On the other hand, if your partner is
already stressed or having a bad day, criticizing them can feel like
salt in the wound.
Choose a neutral time, when you’re neither celebrating anything, nor
in a bad mood. Try to avoid any contentious topics right before bed, as
you don’t want to lose sleep over it.
Also, don’t bring it up before a meal when you’re both hungry. People
are generally at their most irritable before meals, and generally won’t
take criticism well.
#8 Playing along. You can make your criticism easier
to take by opening yourself up to be criticized as well. The way to do
this is an activity, where you each write down three things you would
like your partner to work on changing about themselves. By showing you
can accept constructive criticism, it will make your partner more open
to receiving it.
Even if you don’t have any pressing criticism to give, doing this
occasionally can strengthen your relationship by addressing problems
while they’re still small. It can also serve as good practice for
accepting criticism in a mature way. And finally, it can help foster a
culture of communication in your relationship that will guarantee less
fighting, and more loving.
#9 Know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em. The
final piece of advice is to know when enough is enough. If it seems
like there are a million little things about your partner that you want
to change, or a few major ones you’d like to change but cannot, it may
be time to move on.
It’s also important for you to understand that you can’t change
everything about someone, and sometimes, you just have to accept them
for how they are.
If you realize that your partner can’t change some qualities that you
don’t like, you have to ask yourself whether or not you can live with
it. If you can, then work on getting used to it. And if you can’t, then
it’s time to call it quits.
Relationships require communication, and an important part of
that is giving and receiving constructive criticism. Doing this
makes the future of your relationship look very promising. It’s never
easy to criticize or be criticized by the one you love. But it’s crucial
to your relationship that you follow this advice and learn how.
