There are tons of reasons
someone may develop intimacy issues. The trick is knowing how to make a
relationship work despite those problems.
Being intimate with someone is crucial for a healthy and happy
relationship. If you don’t have it, you’ll never be able to build the
connection needed for a long-term love. That’s why you always want to
fix intimacy issues with your partner ASAP.
When you can never be close with someone emotionally or even
physically, you’ll begin to drift apart. That’s why allowing yourself to
be vulnerable with someone else is so important. But what if you’re not
the problem? What if the one person you have feelings for has a lot of
intimacy issues?
What does having intimacy issues look like?
Many people have heard of intimacy issues, but they don’t actually
know what it is. For most of us, these problems don’t exist because we
enjoy getting close to people and sharing ourselves with them.
For others, however, those problems are real. If someone has intimacy
issues, they share very little about themselves. They don’t divulge
stories of their childhood and they can even hold you at arms-length,
not allowing you to get too close physically, either. As you can
imagine, this makes getting to know someone nearly impossible.
How to date someone with intimacy issues
Just because it may be more work doesn’t mean it can’t happen. There
are plenty of people who end up having successful relationships even
though their partner has a lot of problems when it comes to intimacy.
They just figure out how to make it work.
And you can, too. It may take some time and it’ll be a learning
process, but you can do it. In order to have a successful relationship
with someone who has quite a few intimacy issues, this is what to do.
#1 Never push them. Pushing someone to open up will
only make them close themselves off to you more. You can’t force someone
to tell you everything about who they are and why they have issues. You
have to allow them to open up on their own terms.
#2 But offer them opportunities to open up. If you
want them to let you in on their own terms, you have to give them
opportunities to do so. You can’t just never try to get to know them. If
you give them the space they need and then allow them to pull you in,
they’ll do so.
#3 Be open, yourself. You can help them open up by
being an open book yourself. When someone with intimacy issues realizes
there’s no reason for them to hold back when you are being so
forthcoming with them, they’ll be more likely to show you who they
really are.
#4 Show them your flaws. Another way to have success
when dating someone with intimacy issues is to be honest about your
flaws. Show them that you’re not perfect and you make mistakes. Doing
this will prove to them that they don’t need to be perfect, either.
#5 Don’t allow them to avoid questions. Most people
with intimacy issues have basically perfected the art of evasion. You
ask a question, they find a way to not answer while still giving you
something to work with.
Don’t let them do this. If you’ve asked an innocent question and they
seem to be avoiding it, bring the conversation back to it until they
can’t refuse anymore. However, you don’t want to do this in a way that
seems pushy or it’ll have the opposite effect.
#6 Give them reassurance of your feelings. Many
people with intimacy issues have them because they fear being hurt. They
shield themselves from you in order to prevent pain. By assuring them
that you have strong feelings for them here and there, they’ll be more
likely to open up because they won’t be as afraid of being rejected.
#7 Recognize when they pull back the most and focus on that issue first. There
are usually specific times you can pinpoint when someone pulls away
from you. Is it when you try to get frisky with them? Is it when you ask
about their past relationships?
When you find the specific moment they put that wall up, it’ll be
much easier for you to figure out how to go about fixing the issue so
they can open up.
#8 Talk about your past and encourage them to talk about theirs. Not
only should all couples discuss their past relationships, but by
learning their history, it can help you figure out why they’re so closed
off.
So bring up some of your own history and the negative parts of it so
they feel more comfortable telling you about theirs. Just don’t do this
too much because they may take it the wrong way.
#9 Don’t just allow it to happen. Don’t ignore their
intimacy problems because they’re just that – problems. You need to
address them in some form and work to get past them if you want to make a
relationship with them successful.
#10 Determine if you care enough to help them through it. Do
you have strong enough feelings for this person to go through the
trouble of getting past intimacy issues? You need to. And if you don’t
know if you like them enough just yet, work on getting to know them as
much as you can.
#11 Realize that it won’t be easy all the time. Intimacy
issues don’t evolve overnight and they won’t be gone in a day. You will
have to work with them throughout some time in order to fix the
problems. Just know that it won’t always be easy by any means.
#12 Don’t give them reasons to pull back. If they
open up to you about something personal and you make fun of them for it,
they won’t feel comfortable doing it again. So you have to be accepting
of the things they say. Don’t judge them for who they are.
#13 Try to understand where they’re coming from. Put
yourself in their shoes. If you felt like you could never open up to
someone, it would be really lonely. So think about how they feel and how
you’d want someone to go about helping you. Then do just that.
#14 Have an honest discussion about it. They
probably know they have intimacy issues. They also probably realize that
it can make being in a relationship with them quite difficult. What you
need to do after a while is have an open discussion with them.
Tell them that you’ve noticed their detachment and that you still
want to make it work because they’re worth it and you can’t see yourself
with someone else. Knowing this and communicating honestly about it can
help immensely.
#15 Be there for them when they need you. If they’re
having a hard day and are upset, let them know you’re there to talk.
Being there for them during hard times can help them trust you more. And
the more trust they have for you, the more they’ll open up to you.
There are many people who have intimacy issues for a number
of different reasons. If you really want to make your relationship with
them work, these tips are sure to help.
