When you decide to begin dating with a purpose of finding a life partner, sometimes it is difficult to know how much time to put into dating one person to find out if they are “right” or “wrong” for you. In past articles, I have talked about paying attention to your own “red flags,” but if the person does not have any “red flags,” how do you know if they are a fit for you or not.
Discovering if someone is a fit for you can be tricky, thus so many divorces in our country. Creating a “wish list” of all the qualities you desire in a partner is key. Once you have this list, as you begin to date, even if you are wildly attracted to someone, see if they have the main qualities that you are looking for in a life partner. If they do not, muster up the discipline to walk away. Being only wildly attracted to someone does not make for a long term healthy relationship.
Now, here is the tricky part. You are dating someone, and they have most of the qualities that you are seeking, but you just do not find them attractive. There can be one of two things going on here and only you will be able to decide, or you can solicit a friend to help. The person is either truly not a fit for you, or you are not feeling attracted to the person because they possess the nice qualities you are seeking in a partner and this is foreign to you. Although it sounds strange, we can be repelled by the very type of person we claim to want to partner with. I believe that we are just not accustomed to feeling good with a partner because so often it has felt bad.
As I was talking with my niece about her dating situation, she was sharing with me that a young man that she was dating had so many of the qualities that she was looking for, but it just did not feel right to her and she did not find him attractive. Understanding her background, helped me to ask her some pointed questions. I wanted to know that if she saw him on the street and knew nothing about him, would she find him handsome? I also wanted to know if he had done any self reflection work on himself and was a deep thinker. For the first question, she said “no” and the second question she was uncertain, but did not think he had the depth that she was looking for.
My niece is a psychology student and has experienced the therapeutic process, is a deep wise thinker and enjoys having intelligent and introspective conversations. Understanding that this is a huge part of her life, helps me to guide her to see that having a life partner who will be able to speak her language and embrace her innate intuitive nature is important for her happiness.
In other words, if there is some area of your life that is of great importance to you, discover if the person you are dating is open to your passion, understands it, or is willing to learn and grow with you. It is also important that you understand and embrace what is important to them as well. For years I tired to ignore this or brush it under the carpet in order to make the wrong person fit for me. I run a spiritual business and continuously tried to make myself fit with men that had no knowledge of my work or the authors I represent. Needless to say, there was no common ground for me.
Being partnered with someone who is philosophically on the same page makes life with that person so much more enjoyable. It is amazing to me how my husband’s work in the world fits into my beliefs as well. He is a Chiropractor, Acupuncturist and Nutritionist; what a great fit!