When I look back on all the dates and relationships I had through the years, I did not consciously know that these men were not right for me. It was not until I finally got into a relationship that was right for me, did I completely understand that the others were not right. The good news is that I figured out this formula and will now let you in on something that I wish I knew years ago.
I am going to clarify this with saying that this might not be the formula for everyone, but other happy couples I have spoken with have told me the exact same thing that I finally got when I met Jeff. Here it is:
IT IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THAT HARD.
How many times have you been dating someone and you come home confused, crying, calling your friends about every move the person made, dissecting their every comment, thinking about them every moment, worrying if they are going to call you again, waiting until the last minute to make plans for the weekend because you are waiting for them, doing behavior that you know is dysfunctional, acting juvenile, feeling anxious and the mental chatter is endless! Or when you do begin dating someone you keep trying to make yourself fit into them because no one else has fit so you think you need to do something else, or be someone else in order to make it fit. Then of course you begin justifying all the ways in which you know it does not fit, but you continuously try to make yourself fit.
It is all quite exhausting and you do not even know that it is exhausting! One of the best Hollywood examples I can think of is the show “Sex and the City.” For years the leading lady Carrie is obsessed with her male counterpart named “Big.” Things are very complicated with Big, but she keeps going after him over and over again. Their relationship is crazy and tumultuous. Big marries someone else. Then Carrie finds a gorgeous, solid, secure, kind and gentle man named Aidan. He treats her beautifully, but she still pines away for Big. She loves the anxiety and rush she gets with Big. Very long story short, she breaks up with Aidan and Big gets divorced and finally comes around after six years and they get married. But nonetheless, their relationship is fragile.
This scenario illustrates how we keep going back to the old dysfunctional chemical rush because when we get a healthy person, it feels strange at first. There is no drama. It’s easy, simple, and loving. I don’t know about you, but I was DONE with complicated. Been there, done that!! I was ready for my Aidan. To gently and easily flow together. No drama.
I discovered that all those times I found myself in all the aforementioned mental chatter and over processing with my friends, that should have been my red flag. Although I did not know what it felt like on this end so I could not have known that it was a red flag, however now YOU know. When you begin to do all the behavior and worry if they are going to call, etc., just back off. Sit back and see how this one might not be the person for you. I understand the objection to this kind of thinking that it could be perceived that the mental chatter and other behavior is about you, but I assure you that very little if none of that occurs when you are with the right one. The right partner for you will not put you through all that stuff. They will not make you wait for them to make plans, they will not drive you crazy with being elusive, or late, or whatever the behavior is that leads us to the craziness. I know that we need to take responsibility for own craziness, I am not saying to put it on the other person, but YOUR life mate will bring out the best in you, not the worst. Let me say that again….
YOUR LIFE PARTNER WILL BRING OUT THE BEST IN YOU NOT THE WORST
They will be emotionally and physically available. There will not be any guessing games. They will show up on time. They will call you to give you ample time for a date. They will call when they say they are going to call, and it will be easy, flowing, and gentle. Yes, there will still be the butterflies and excitement and chemistry, but it will not feel anxious. It will feel right and much softer than you have experienced in the past. A relationship does not have to be that hard. There will still be challenges and things to work out, but it will not be about the person not being present. When it is right, your partner is present and they show up.
This is such a difficult concept to explain, but as you begin to date, notice your behavior and feelings. When I first met Jeff, my husband, I was casually dating another man. This other man had almost everything I wanted in a partner, EXCEPT I was a little on edge. I would call my friends and talk about what I thought he was thinking and was he going to call, did he want a relationship, etc. As I got to know him, I realized that he was really emotionally unavailable. During this time, I met Jeff and he kept showing up in all the ways that were important to me. He would share his life story with me, what his feelings were about spirituality, relationships, what he was looking for in life and he was extremely open. I looked at both men and although the other man was quite intriguing, which complicated the chemical part of me, I ended things with him and moved towards Jeff. It was a gentler process with Jeff. I never called my friends obsessing over his behavior because there was nothing to obsess about. He was and still is very present.
Think about this and be conscious of the people you are dating and think about all the dates you have been on and re-examine your behavior and feelings.
I wish all of you love!