After coaching hundreds of woman and their partners about sex, I have finally come up with the most important question to ask about anything to do with sex! And I made this discovery during an intake interview with a woman who was planning on attending one of my “Back to The Body Retreats.” I asked her if she had any food restrictions, and she said that she did, that she was a vegetarian. Now, I might have taken that on face value, on what being a vegetarian meant to me, but instead I decided to ask one more question: “What does being a vegetarian mean to you?” What I discovered was that it meant that she ate eggs, dairy, fish, and organic chicken! WOW! To me, that isn’t a vegetarian at all. I was so glad that I had asked the question, “What does that mean to you?”
It’s just a simple question really, and I have started to use it a great deal with tremendous benefit in my sexuality coaching practice. So many of us throw around a lot of labels and terms when it comes to sex; especially around sexual agreements. For example, one person might call their relationship agreement monogamy, because they always sleep at home with their partner. But otherwise, they feel free to go out and play sexually with all kinds of partners. Their partner may feel that what is happening is an “open marriage” and may not agree to that. It’s important to ask your partner when it comes to sexual agreement this simple question: “What does that mean to you?”
This also holds true when it comes to sexual play requests. You may have read “Fifty Shades of Grey” and want to play with ropes and paddles. You may tell you partner that you want to play with S & M. Your partner may get really excited, because he/she has always wanted to hang someone upside down and flog them! Did you mean that? Maybe you did! But wouldn’t it be great to know exactly what playing “Fifty Shades of Grey” means to each of you before dashing off into a possible sex disaster?
You may be a person who likes to have intercourse with people that you don’t know very well. Hook-ups could be really fun for you. But what if having intercourse for you, was well – just intercourse? The no-strings attached kind of sex? And for the person that you are playing with, it means love and commitment? Wouldn’t it be good to know that before you went somewhere that you didn’t mean to go? The question here might be, “What does having intercourse mean to you?” It’s as important a question as whether or not you have safer sex supplies!
I think you are following along! Remember this question when you are exploring sex with your partners and even with yourself. What does this sexual activity or agreement mean to you? Check in with yourself and your partner. Make sure that it means the same thing, or if it doesn’t – can you still work with it?
Having the “What does this mean to you?” conversation is one of the best ways I know to prevent heart break and a sex disaster!