The reality is that everyone wants to be played to some degree or another. I’m not saying that people want to be taken advantage of. What I’m saying is that people want the same basic things: excitement, fun, intrigue and especially, passion.
One of the most common letters I get from women these days is a single question: how to spot “the player”. What these women really want to know is how to know if the guy they’re interested in is a player or not.
So that we agree on what we’re talking about, this is NOT a “game player”. The game player is a completely different animal than “the player”.
I fully understand why women are afraid of getting involved with this guy. It’s because women are terrified of looking foolish. In women’s minds, a player’s only goal is to take advantage of them – and as many women as he possibly can by (gasp!) having sex with them!
It’s an interesting consideration that one of the most notorious players in history was also one of the greatest romancers: Giacomo Casanova. His mystique wasn’t about his womanizing or gambling or just generally pissing off the nobility of his day. It was simply his way with women – and their desire to be one of his conquests.
To put it bluntly (and accurately!) nobody saw him coming. In fact, nobody saw him going either!
Therein lies the greatest challenge with the player. If he really is a player, you’re not going to know it up front. You’re simply not going to see him coming – until he’s gone. But then, isn’t that really the attraction, girls?
Part of my practice (beyond handling all sorts of dating, sex and relationship issues) is in actually teaching men (and women!) how to be “players”. I’ve worked directly with many hundreds (and indirectly many thousands) specifically in this capacity so I believe I’m well-suited to talk about this subject.
Let’s begin by looking at what a player is not. I’ve already alluded to one important point: he’s not obvious. If you suspect a guy of being a player, you can now just draw a sigh of relief. He’s not one. Or, at least, he’s not an accomplished one. You don’t have to worry about being played by this guy.
While you’re probably not going to believe this, he’s also not a “user” of other people. No, I’m not kidding. Real players invest in their skills in order to get what they want, but understand this: the point is always mutual benefit.
While that may seem contrary to what you know about players, I’ve never worked with any guy that was out purely for revenge or to wreak havoc among a bunch of poor, unsuspecting women. Why should he? In fact, any real player realizes that his actions are always about mutual benefit. (I constantly wonder how many women share that same goal!)
The belief is that a player can’t exist without someone to play, and that’s partially true. However, the reality is that everyone wants to be played to some degree or another. I’m not saying that people want to be taken advantage of. What I’m saying is that people want the same basic things: excitement, fun, intrigue and especially, passion.
This is where the player excels; not only in creating these things, but in discovering what and how the other person views these things and then, he delivers.
Ok, so what exactly is it that I teach my “players” (both male AND female – trust me, most women are players too. They work very hard and spend their entire lives studying this game!) and what do they do differently than most people?
First, I teach people how to set goals. I know that’s pretty mundane, but it’s the most important part of the equation. After all, if you don’t know what you’re looking for, how are you going to know when you’ve found it? I also teach these people some very important communication skills. It’s through these skills that people learn to build rapport and connection.
About that connection: it’s critical for any player (again male OR female) to learn how to connect with others in very deep, profound ways. You do that by matching them or countering them where it’s important to do so. Knowing where and what that is just happens to be the player’s specialty!
I teach players how to engage others – not just to entertain them. Far too many people just work to try to impress someone for example. Frankly, that rarely works. When you can engage them however – at any level – you have the basis for a little thing called “chemistry”. Chemistry comes in 5 “flavors”: physical, emotional, intellectual, spiritual and sexual. Any of these; or better a combination of them, is absolutely critical in learning to be a player.
Of all of these types of chemistry, which do you think is the most important to create? If you said “emotional”, you’re wrong. If you think it’s intellectual, sorry, wrong again. Answer: sexual.
Why? The answer is actually pretty simple: it’s just the way we’re wired.
Advertisers, churches, governments, organizations, TV and movie producers, poets, authors, song writers, and many others know this fact: there’s nothing more important, nor fundamentally “human” as our sexualities! If a person can create emotional or intellectual or physical or spiritual chemistry, that’s a great thing – and the beginning of much more. However, if a person can create sexual chemistry he or she doesn’t need any other skill! With that said however, all the others don’t hurt.
Another thing a player learns well is how to determine what is important to others. Of course, we all share at least one thing in common that we all find irresistible and compelling: ourselves. We know everything there is to know about ourselves (or at least we think we do!) What better place to “connect” then?
However, that’s not all that’s important. Each person has a long list of “priorities”. They player learns to draw these out and “play” to most or all of them. This is part of the rapport-building process! I could probably bore you with endless hours on subjects I’m interested in. However, I can engage you for endless hours (maybe even a lifetime!) about things you are interested in.
Players are also very good at a thing I call “conversion”. Conversion happens at many levels: from initially sighting or contacting a person (such as in a bar or on the internet) to the initial approach to building rapport and connection to closing for digits, dates or sex to first, second and third dates to sex to relationships, etc., etc.
Each of these steps requires knowing “conversion skills”. Players know the processes and can make each of them happen at the right time in the right order.
Finally, players know one more important fact: women are terrified of men that carry the “player” label! As I started with in the beginning of this article, you’ll never know a player when you meet him. You probably won’t know him when you date him or even when you marry him. In fact, the people you have met in your life that you thought were players likely weren’t.
No discussion of the player would be complete however without this important point:
Go back and re-read this article replacing “player” with “boyfriend”. You’re going to be fascinated by just how similar they are. There’s a reason for this. Men that make good boyfriend or husband material also often have these same skills!
It’s for this reason I want you to stop worrying about being “played” or misled or mistreated by these guys. It simply never happens.
Why do you think some men want to learn these skills in the first place? Yes, part of it is to have sex with a lot of women. However, the far more important part is that they want to find a way to meet you – the woman of their dreams. The woman that the player eventually falls in love with and for whom he gives up his womanizing ways and connects and bonds with, forgetting all the others.
For that reason, I want you to get those skills and experiences too – in order to connect with him and convince him his quest is over. He’s found his ultimate playmate.