Sunday, January 27, 2013

What's Wrong With Being Selfish?

What's Wrong With Being Selfish - woman girl - woman drinking in cup mug

We must make ourselves a priority because the truth is, no one else will. And if being selfish seems foreign and a wee bit uncomfortable, that’s okay.

Selfish is not a dirty word. Unless you’re a selfish bastard, who only thinks about yourself, putting your needs high above everyone else’s. If this is the case, then you’re ugly and so is the word. 

I’ve encountered my share of selfish people in my long and illustrious career. I lived in Hollywood for crying out loud. Nuff said. But only now am I beginning to understand that sometimes, being selfish is healthy, and just what’s required. This is especially true when it comes to women.

What are we women? We’re the caretakers, the nurturers, the mommy’s, the breastfeeders (if we choose to be, no pressure), the drivers, schedulers, reminders, planners, consolers, and sexual vessels, just to name a few. I don’t hear an ounce of selfishness in that laundry list, except maybe the sex vessel. And we’re usually the ones doing laundry. It’s no wonder that many women feel overwhelmed, frustrated, and bat shit tired. 

As a single woman living alone, I had the pleasure of tending to every whim, need and want, that crossed my mind. I always put myself and my well being first. There wasn’t any guilt or compromising, and truth be told, I was really good at it. But why shouldn’t I be, and is this wrong? The focus was on me, yes, but I only had me to take care of. It was an enviable position to be in but at times, I also lapsed into self indulgence and that wasn’t too attractive. 

However, as soon as I moved in with my boyfriend, and became The Girlfriend Mom, or part-time mom, as it were, to his two children, everything changed. I wanted his kids to like me, and I found myself finding ways to please them even if it meant putting my own needs on the back burner. While at times this was appropriate, them being children and all, I now have an appreciation for the struggle that women seem to have. It is easier than I thought, to let oneself drop down to the bottom of the priority list. I naively thought that my new lifestyle wouldn’t change anything and yet more and more I found myself putting myself last. 

Why? Why do we let this happen? Neglecting one's needs only leads to resentment and anger, which is never healthy in a loving relationship. Even if our multi faceted woman role is a part of our DNA (and I’m not convinced that it is) it does not mean that we have to accept a lower position on the priority ladder. What it means is that we have to try that much harder to find a balance. Is it not a fact that if we’re happy, satisfied, and tending to our needs, that it will reveal itself in every other part of our lives?  

Women are taught from an early age (and please god, or rather mothers, stop) to be people-pleasers, and that if we ask for ourselves, that we are being selfish (in a bad way) and that it is unattractive. And more than anything, us girls, (and women), must always appear attractive. Okay, let’s all get out of the cave, and deal with reality, it’s 2012. 

We must make ourselves a priority because the truth is, no one else will. And if being selfish seems foreign and a wee bit uncomfortable, that’s okay. All it takes is a little practice, because the more you practice, the easier it will become. But remember, being a selfish bastard, who continually puts their needs above everyone else’s, is not what I’m talking about. You will ruin it for those who are trying to be more selfish, in a healthy, non-doucher like way. 

Our needs are as much a priority as they are for men. It’s that plain and simple. Being a  woman, whether wife, girlfriend, or mother, is not license to fade into the background. Being confident with a strong sense of self is powerful. And who among us doesn’t want to feel powerful? 

Five things you can do to be more more selfish, in a non-doucher like way.

1.    Say No
If you’re asked to drive someone (parent, friend, lover) to the airport, but you have work to do, say no. Even though you are capable, and could probably push off the work until later, honor the fact that it is simply inconvenient for you.

2.    Get Out
Don’t wait until your birthday to get out of the house. What about once a month? Or do I dare say, once a week? Do something indulgent, perhaps decadent, and leave everyone behind. Think about what you haven’t done in awhile, (Karaoke, pole dancing class) and do it. The point is to put it on the schedule.

3.    Close The Door
Just as it’s important you get out of the house, it is also important to be able to close a door, and be unavailable to those around you. No reason needed. No explanation given. You might announce when you will reemerge, but that's not mandatory.

4.    Chores Together
It’s a cliche but teamwork works better. If possible, divide up the chores. It doesn’t have to be a 50/50 split but there isn’t any reason why the woman is doing everything. Ask for help. Put your foot down. On his chest if you have to.

5.    Orgasm First
Make time to pleasure yourself. And if and when you’re with a partner, ask him not to climax and make it all about you. You decide what that means for you.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...