What NOT to Say on a Date
“My World of Warcraft party just completed the Skirmish at Echo Ridge.”
Tone down the nerdery just a bit for the first date. No matter how proud you are that you own every issue of “The Walking Dead,” it’s going to come off as super geeky to the girl you’re after. Wait until the third date to reveal your vast knowledge of Stargate trivia.
“So, my ex…”
The only time “Ex” should come up in a conversation on a first date is within the words “chief EX-ecutive officer.” She does not want to hear about your horrible breakup with Lisa or how the color green always reminds you of. Just stop. You’re there for her, not to showcase your pathetic memories.
“Your eyes are like shooting stars bursting into my throbbing heart.”
Compliments on a first date are totally acceptable; third grade metaphors about your date’s eyes/smile/butt are not. Refrain from comparisons to celestial objects and earth’s natural wonders. You can’t go wrong with words like “pretty” and “cute.” Kill your inner romance novelist.
“I’m really adventurous in bed.”
Don’t mention your (supposed) sexual prowess to a woman or make gross sexual jokes, unless it’s simply to make her laugh. Not only will you look like a slimeball/jackass, but when the time comes and you’re not the Jack Sparrow of lovemaking you said you were, your ship will be sailing.
“It’s like there’s no way to know who I really am. What if I was a serial killer or something?”
New flash: Women don’t find jokes about serial killers and dead babies as funny as you do, and they especially don’t appreciate jokes about you potentially murdering them. While you may think your humor is edgy, she’s just going to wonder if “Do you want to come up for coffee?” really means “Do you want to come up for coffee and some tape around your mouth?”
“You think I should have brought a change of clothes?”
While you may think you’re so G this woman’s guaranteed to sleep with you, keep it to yourself. If things turn out that well for you, take the walk/drive of shame home early to give yourself time to change out of your slut clothes into your business/school gear; or just wear her ex-boyfriend’s stuff.
“I’m on some meds for my anger, but it’s coo.”
Unless you’re somebody with a serious medical issue, keep your pill-popping and emotional issues to yourself. Announcing to your date that you have issues you’re “sorting out” medicinally is a surefire way to blow the date… and up your prescription.
“If you’re down with Obamacare, you can F off.”
Women like men who can dish on current events and serious issues, but not stubborn knee-jerk radical crazies. You’re bound to have some ideological differences no matter what party you belong to, so leave out that time you firebombed an animal testing facility.
“Damn. I forgot my wallet.”
No matter how many times she’s been to “The Vagina Monologues” or NOW meetings she’s attended, don’t let her pay for dinner: Man up. Show her you’re gainfully employed and thoughtful. Don’t leave any hints that you still live at home in your mom’s basement.
“This went well, right?”
While there’s no need to wait three days to call a woman (really, they don’t like it), asking her about your possible future together while you’re still waiting for the menus to arrive is a bit premature. Be patient and leave date two conversation for a phone call. If she kisses you, it’s fair to say date two is clinched. If she has to run off to “an important meeting” all of a sudden, sign back in to Cupid.com and try again.