A common theme that I see from guys I work with – and in our culture at large – is the tendency to look at women, especially the most beautiful ones, as some sort of foreign species.
Guys are always questioning – what should I talk about? what does she want to talk about? what is she thinking? why are women so crazy? – and in fact many of those exact same guys would be shocked to know that many women, even the most beautiful ones, think the same thing about us. All anyone has to do is flip through the “guy advice” in a Cosmo to see what I’m talking about.
A common thing that I’ve told many guys is that meeting, talking to, and attracting members of the opposite sex is fundamentally simple – and that it is only the barriers that our mind creates that makes it so difficult sometimes. By jumping into the mind of a beautiful woman – to better understand where she’s coming from and what she’s thinking – this is one of the first steps in lowering some of those barriers.
Let me start with an oversimplification: Women are insecure.
Now as a disclaimer, of course this does not apply to all women – only to most – and I don’t mean it as an insult, because hell, in today’s day and age the vast majority of us are insecure.
What I’m talking about is that feeling you sometimes have of nervousness, of worrying that she’s judging you, feeling that you’re not good/funny/handsome/cool enough – I’m saying that she’s most likely feeling it too. In fact, I would say that women on average – believe it or not – are actually more insecure than men.
Think about it. Their entire lives they’ve compared themselves to the airbrushed women in their favorite magazines. They’ve been bombarded with messages that they’re not pretty enough, they’re not thin enough, their face doesn’t look pretty without makeup, their hair isn’t shiny or blonde or whatever enough.
And why do magazines present these airbrushed, almost unattainable images as the standard of beauty? Because insecure people buy more shit they don’t need to feel whole than secure people – but that’s for another article altogether. And I know what you’re saying: “OK Nick, I follow, most girls feel insecure – but those aren’t the most beautiful ones. Those are the ones who are maybe only ‘6-8’s’. The truly beautiful women, the ones who do live up to the barely attainable standards of beauty in magazines – they’re not insecure.”
I can see why this idea would be attractive. On the surface, it certainly seems to make sense.
There’s even a popular myth going around that incredibly beautiful women at the bar – or anywhere else for that matter – feel as though they have the “most value” wherever they are and that for a man to attract them he has to bring her down a couple of pegs or even to try to elevate his own status to even be considered as a potential mate for her.
First of all, the fact that the type of thinking that places beautiful women on the same level as a narcissistic dictator who harshly judges the behavior of her prospective suitors even exists is an excellent example of why there are millions of unhappily single men and women out there. If you find yourself believing this to some degree than what I will say next will come as a shock to you, but often the most beautiful women (by current societal standards) are, on average, the most insecure women of all.
Now I’ll admit that these women are most likely used to being put on a pedestal. So the question stands: how can a human being who is used to being put on a pedestal be, on average, more insecure than everyone else? Pretend for a moment that you’re in a particularly good mood one day and you decide to give a dollar to a man asking for spare change. Almost instantly the man transforms into a powerful sorcerer and says that in return for your kindness, he’d like to do you a favor. He casts a spell and suddenly the world bows at your feet. You have access to anything you want. People are constantly giving you everything for free. Now he also reminds you that you can’t have such a great gift without there being a catch. First of all, no one could have this kind of power forever, so after 10 years it will suddenly be gone.
Secondly, everyone else is fully aware of your power, and they all want a piece of it for their own benefit. You will constantly be hounded by everyone, not because they give two shits about you, but only because they want to use you and take advantage of you in whatever way they can.
At first it’s a lot of fun – so much fun that you can’t resist taking full advantage of it. Hell, no one could. But after you’ve seen everything and done everything it gets a bit boring. Furthermore as the years roll on you all of a sudden see the end in sight. The window is closing ever so slowly and you begin to grow more and more anxious at the thought of losing your source of power. You’ve gotten so used to relying on it – what the hell will you do when it fades?
In a book titled, “Your Own Worst Enemy,” Kenneth Christian, PHD, discusses how ‘gifted’ children have a tendency to underachieve later in life. I hope he excuses my simplification, but Dr. Christian argues that when adults start referring to a child as ‘gifted’ or one of the brightest in a class, that child tends to get exceptions on things that other students don’t – he receives praise because he is ‘special’ instead of for specific accomplishments he achieves.
Because he values the title of ‘gifted’ for the benefits he receives from it, he becomes fearful of taking risks that lead to failure that could jeopardize this title – and thus underachievement ensues. Just like our story about the sorcerer’s gift, “you’ve gotten so used to relying on it, what the hell will you do when it fades?”
Beautiful women – and hell, most people with a vagina can very much relate to the feeling of receiving praise and special treatment; not for an accomplishment they achieve but for something they didn’t do anything to ‘deserve’. How the hell do you build real confidence in yourself in these circumstances? They are also used to most people trying to use them and take advantage of them for their own benefit without giving two shits about them. How the hell can you build confidence in others when this is the reality you know?
And what a beautiful woman knows far better than anyone else is that it is only a matter of time before their ‘golden ticket’ runs out. Time flies, and youth and beauty are gone before you know it. If a woman has gotten so used to relying on them that they’ve been afraid to take risks and build other parts of herself, then what the hell does she do when it fades? Even the women who grew up in the healthiest, most loving, and supportive homes have to face this many times in their lives, and thus it is often the case that the most beautiful women are also the most insecure.