Ever wondered why your first love always has some impact on your future relationships? We’ve got the details for this perplexing phenomenon!
I have fallen in love “for the first time ever” about seven times in
my life. And I say “for the first time ever” because each time someone
new comes into my life, it always feels more real and more mature than
the last one.
I once fell in love when I was in the seventh grade. But it wasn’t
easy to discern symptoms of love and infatuation – there’s a thin line
that separates this, but either way, we’re blinded by our overpowering
emotions. So let’s just say I fell in love, and I thought it was my
last.
I was in the seventh grade, and I still remember how it felt. Mind
you, I was in the seventh grade 17 years ago! He was very kind, he
brought me flowers from our school park, we’d have lunch together, and
we’d play volleyball together in the same team. That relationship
failed, and I moved to a new school. I couldn’t bear the separation at
first, but soon it all became more and more bearable.
After a while, I met someone new. But this time, he didn’t bring me
flowers because they were hard to find, and instead, he brought sweets
from home. We didn’t have lunch together because we always met after
lunch, and we were both in college, so there was no volleyball. Then, I
received a scholarship, so I began studying extra classes, and well,
let’s just say things changed again. And before I married the love of my
life, I fell in love again!
Falling in love vs. future relationships
As a teenager, I believed that love is all about flowers, chocolates,
birthdays, parties, and gifts. We all believed that, don’t tell me you
didn’t! But as a teenager, first love fades pretty fast, and we find
ourselves falling in love again and again. It’s usually during our late
teen years that we truly hang on to something or someone, and this is
what affects all our future relationships.
For example, when I was around 19 years old, I thought I knew a lot
about love, and I wanted to stay away from it. But then one night, I met
someone through my friends, and we felt deeply connected to each other.
Butterflies in the stomach when I was about to see him, failing to
sleep in the night because I was thinking of him, loss of appetite,
self-consciousness… these symptoms started emerging from somewhere in my
heart.
I knew that I had never felt like this before, even when I was in the
seventh grade – this was definitely something new. A lot of people say
that the first love is the deepest, and this is true to an extent, but
again, the sting of that first heartbreak is devastating, and it can
linger on for years. It’s very difficult to move on from a first love
because precious moments, memories, and experiences play a mighty role
in all your future relationships.
How first love affects future relationships
At the age of 19, when I fell deeply in love, let’s just say it
didn’t work out because we couldn’t relate to each other. They say love
is blind, right? I’d like to add stupid, deaf and dumb, too. We shared a
lot of good memories, lots of good moments, we had amazing experiences,
but soon, we moved on.
There comes a time in our lives when we face the brutal reality that
sometimes two people in love are not compatible, and you either suffer
together or move on happily. If you decide to move on, wise choice, but
it will affect all your future relationships. Here’s how.
#1 Youthful expectation. According to Dr. Gayle Brewer,
a social psychology lecturer at the University of Central Lancashire,
you can never fully recover from your first love, and you may
unrealistically hold all future relationships up against that initial
benchmark.
For example, when you met your first significant other for the first
time, you felt intense excitement. So you expect to feel the same way,
or even more, when you meet your next love for the first time.
In an adult relationship, this isn’t realistic because you need to
realize that as you grow, your expectations may change. When it comes to
romance, don’t let anyone tell you that love won’t exist in future
relationships because it will.
While romantic love does exist, it is wrong to compare every romance
to your first because you may end up comparing and idealizing your first
love. And soon, you’ll only remember the good things and forget why you
moved on in the first place.
#2 Repetitive behavior. According to clinical psychologist Dr. Michelle Golland,
there are times when a person replicates a passionate connection with
their first love and compares it to their current love. For example, if
you and your first love always fought and made up, you will be convinced
that in order to create excitement in your future relationships, you
will need to fight, so you can make up.
What you need to realize is that in an adult relationship, apart from
excitement, you need safety and security, and fighting and making up
can lead to instability. Of course, you’re not doing it consciously, but
you need to be able to detect this behavior pattern, before it destroys
what you feel for each other.
#3 Learning what you truly want. Imagine you went
someplace, and you absolutely hated the experience. So when someone asks
you your thoughts, you know exactly what to say, right? The same goes
with first love. When you experience first love, you will know exactly
what you’re looking for when you move on.
For example, when I met Jason, I loved him, but when we moved on with
our lives, I realized that I needed somebody more responsible or
someone with a sense of humor, or someone who knew how to cook.
To make your first love turn into a positive lesson for your future
relationships, sit down and make a list of traits that you’d like to
find in someone else. List down all the positive aspects of your first
love, as this will help you keep an eye out for what will make you happy
when you meet another person.
#4 Learning what to stay away from. The same logic
applies to this point – learn from your first love, and pick out the
things you’d rather not have to deal with in your future relationships.
For example, if your ex never bothered to save money or had a very bad
temper, you’d want to make sure that you won’t have to deal with this
again. While the wounds are still fresh, it’s always a good idea to note
down the traits you want to avoid in all your future relationships.
First love doesn’t mean it’s the only love you will experience –
sometimes they teach us a lesson, and we can’t help but learn from them.
Think about all the things that hurt you while you were in a
relationship for the first time. Think of all the good things you did
together, and see how much you invested in your relationship. Keep all
of this in mind because this will be the only way you can save yourself
from an aching heart and a love hangover.
They say first love never dies, but in reality, it does.
However, the ghost of your experiences from your first love often haunts
your future relationships. Make sure it’s the lessons you learned that
you’ll take with you, and not the baggage!
