Annoying people who will inevitably grind your gears on Valentine's Day
No matter what side of the Valentine's Day fence you're on,
you'll inevitably find yourself surrounded by six very specific, very
annoying types of people on this fateful day. Prepare accordingly:
1. The couple who've been together for way too long
They're the epitome of miserable, and every time you see them your
commitment phobia flares up like a bad rash. The husband looks so dull
you'd be surprised if he even has sperm, and the wife looks
like she'll one day run him over with her car. Twice. I mean, is this
really what love is? (Sure, if love was hate.)
2. The matchmaker who wants to fix you up
There's one in every office building: The squeaky, twirly woman who
probably has little birds dress her in the morning. She married her high
school sweetheart, her kids look like the Von Trapp children, and she
"just wants everyone to be happy, happy, happy!" You're one of the many
who hides under her desk once you learn she's found someone who'd be
perfect for you.
3. The social media overachievers
They're the couple who just can't let you forget for one second
that they're a couple. They upload relationship selfies every hour.
("This is us flossing...") They send humblebraggy, pukey wukey tweets
about each other ("I have the best bf/gf ever! #blessed"), and on
Valentine's Day they can't help but write epic romance novels to each
other on Facebook about every single second they've spent together.
#barf
4. The Sobby McNeverStopsCrying
Her boyfriend dumped her the day before Valentine's Day and she took
it out on your whipped cream stash. It sucks and everything, and you'd
feel more sympathetic if she hadn't taken it out on your whipped cream stash.
5. The desperate horny dude
He's the guy at the bar who you can't make eye contact with —
otherwise, he'll follow you around all night waiting for your permission
to cop a feel. (Like Pepe Le Pew. Or Robin Thicke.) The desperation in
his eyes reminds you of your childhood dog who'd get busy with your
favorite body pillow (only not cute). Yep, this guy will troll the place
with his metaphorical chocolate-on-a-fish-hook until a (totally drunk
and equally desperate) woman bites.
6. The anti-men brigade
The cult comprised of all the single ladies whose exes didn't put a
ring on it. Sure, they're acting tough and waving their hands in the air
like they just don't care... but by the end of the night, after way too
many Jägerbombs, one of them will be throwing up and sobbing about how
much she misses her ex, while the other holds her hair back and drunk
dials her secret boyfriend. One will get into a brawl with who she
suspects is her ex's new girlfriend, while the other seriously considers
switching teams. And last but not least, the fifth wheel — who didn't
really want to go out but ended up having the best time — will find
herself doing the walk of shame tomorrow.
