Janet and Ben came in for couples’ therapy because she had caught him watching internet porn. He was looking at “Cheerleaders Gone Wild” videos, with girls who barely looked 18. To her it was a betrayal. Ben, for his part, was unrepentant, describing it as his curiosity and nothing more. He was only doing it because she was withholding sex from him. Her trust was shattered and he was angry.
After the birth of their three children, Janet was understandably exhausted. They had argued about the children and along with Ben’s career stress, they had become estranged. But instead of talking about it, they both went into their own worlds. Ben became career-driven and off the reservation into the privacy of his porn while Janet became Super Mom. Herein lies one of the thorny issues about porn: easy accessibility.
At this point, I set about researching the consequences of porn addiction on marriage and families. It was an interesting ride and was much more serious than I initially realized. Like any form of addiction, the internal effects seem to be very powerful and the parts of the brain that porn gains access to are unconscious and rather insidious. Let me say as well that with porn—when it becomes addictive for its users—the difficulty lies in how much one uses it and the extent that it shuts down sexual activity with one’s mate. Couples who participate in porn together can experience excitement and even greater intimacy. However, for those who participate in secret, to the degree that it constitutes an addiction, that is where the primary trouble occurs. The manner and intensity of their involvement is the critical element, as to the degree of damage it could possibly cause in the shutting down of the sex life in a marriage.
Some of the conclusions I came to were these: the internet provides not only photos and videos but online “relationships” that cater to specific sexual proclivities. Porn is a very elastic business. The entrepreneurs produce every variety of sexual interest that exists in people’s brains. They understand that online sex stimulates the release of dopamine, which interestingly enough is the addiction-maker in the brain, but also is what makes men monogamous. So the very thing that creates a homebody can intensify the need for excitement through porn. Also, with porn addiction, continued porn use tends to increase, and the need for new stimulation and the desire to find more intense stimulation lead to more provocative porn sites. For an addicted user, porn use can create more and more progressively exciting images so that the person using it finds himself (or herself) immersed in a fantasy world, which makes the real world pale in comparative intensity.
Porn is not inherently bad, but porn addiction is ultimately isolating: it’s a turning away from one’s partner, towards a hyper-exciting newness that stimulates dopamine, which both heightens stimulation and creates addiction. A percentage of men and women may become addicted, which may lead them to prefer online sexual relationships over complicated real ones. The once-attractive wife (or husband) can become mundane and uninteresting, especially if they had been having other relationship difficulties. In contrast, there is a constant parade of new attractive porn actors and actresses who are designed to make porn users’ brains turn cartwheels in excitatory transformative intensity. The images are then further reinforced by orgasm. Look out, Pavlov, the computer beckons and the sexual bell rings.
Some signs of porn addiction include:
- Increasing porn use despite negative consequences
- denial of the problem
- irritability toward spouse regarding internet porn
- using it to escape from relationship issues
- lying to others about the importance of cybersex or engaging in illegal acts
- the preoccupation with internet sex and loss of intimacy with their mate (Carnes 2001).
The addictive use of internet porn is frequently a symptom of larger relationship issues that have not been worked through. In the case of Janet and Ben, there were many issues that had lain dormant in their relationship. They both failed to bring out the things that bothered them and instead turned away from each other in different ways. As their distance increased, so did Ben’s interest in pornography. Once she discovered the porn, it only intensified her anger and resentment toward him, until they were no longer able to sustain their relationship. They were both responsible for waiting way too long to address their differences, which opened the door for his porn addiction to put the cap on the emotional and sexual divide.
Porn addiction affects entire families and causes a myriad of internal issues. The non-porn-using partner may feel unwanted, unable to compete with online images, degraded, stupid or weak. They are also liable to see their partner as a bad and selfish partner, like they are “living a lie.” Porn addicts are often up late viewing images, they become more moody, and may tend to neglect family, spouse, job and friends. They are often more distant and care less about the feelings of their spouses and children. As we can see, the problems with porn addiction are always the secrecy and overuse (not the porn itself). With relationships, the more things we don’t talk about, the more they will affect the overall sense of intimacy.
So how do couples work through this issue? First off, suspend the addictive overuse of internet porn. Second, try to find the stimulation with your partner. If s/he becomes the go-to person for sex, then it’s more likely that both of you will do some groundwork to create a satisfying sex life. Clear away the deadwood in your relationship. Don’t run from your problems: face them and work them out. If all else fails, get some therapy. Find things to do together that work for both of you, like play and fun. In the most profound sense, a loving relationship will always trump mere stimulation. The challenge is to create a loving and connected relationship that stimulates sexuality. Be willing to roll up your sleeves and get to a place where you can be on your own island, where the world goes away and you can be sexually close.
