Emotionless sex with no strings attached happens all the time, but is it likely to happen with a girl you’ve been in love with?
It’s probably not a good idea
No doubt a terrible idea
If your ex wants to be FWB, at first you’ll think it’s a great idea. You certainly find each other physically attractive, or you wouldn’t have dated in the first place. And, since you’ve already long been past the courtship stage, you won’t have to try hard to get laid by flirting, going on dates and bestowing gifts upon her. You already know each other’s bedroom style, and have had plenty of practice getting it right. If you and your ex are both emotionally able to be FWB, then it’s a great agreement. The problem, of course, is that it is likely that at least one of you will once again develop feelings and want to engage in a relationship which you know won’t work out.
Is she trying to lure you back with sex?
When it is your ex-girlfriend’s suggestion to become friends with benefits, you have to question her motives. Perhaps she genuinely wants to get laid badly enough that she’ll go back to you, or she could be trying to make you fall for her again. Especially if you broke up with her and she was an unwilling participant in the split, be careful about jumping into bed with her because she might be using the idea of FWB as a way of holding onto the relationship. You have to have an open and honest discussion with her to check that she is really just after sex. If you don’t trust that she is being upfront about her motives and you certainly don’t want to be lured back into a relationship with her, then reject her.
Is it a real friendship?
As much as you are meant to be “friends” with benefits, it will work better if you are not close at all. If you are close friends that are having sex, there’s just too much of a chance of either of you becoming emotionally involved again. If you value your friendship with your ex, then it’s best not to gamble it in the hope that you are both able to deal with being physically intimate without developing feelings that the other cannot reciprocate.
Setting boundaries
The key to maintaining a successful FWB setup is having boundaries which you both agree on, and respecting those boundaries. It’s a good idea to rule out anything that involves acting like a couple. For example, you may decide that you will not hold hands and put an arm around each other in social situations. To really make the nature of your relationship clear, you could agree not to see each other one-on-one unless you’re going to hook up. The second you find yourself violating a boundary you’ve set, it’s time to reassess what you want. If you don’t want to be a couple, then don’t act like one. If you find you can’t help yourselves, it is time to have a discussion with her and establish whether you want to get back together, or want to end the benefits side of your friendship.
